Satire City, Oz – One look at the scary gaunt faces and bony bodies of the co-star witches is all it takes to realize we’re not in Kansas (or any other place with access to food) anymore.
In this Wizard of Oz prequel, the actresses Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande, portray the Wicked Witch of the West and the Good Witch of the North as schoolgirl friends named Bulimia and Anorexia.
As Oz was never known for its access to mental health professionals, the Wizard, Tin Man, Lion and Scarecrow are powerless to stop the young witches from starving themselves to death. The only thing that can save them are a handful of munchkins (not the Oz dwelling midget Munchkins, Dunkin’ munchkins!)
The witches in the movie sing about “defying Gravity” and evidently have decided to accomplish this by weighing nothing.
Movie theater audiences have been horrified at the sight of the wasting away witches. Little children have been hiding their eyes and screaming, “They’re so skinny!” Then telling their parents they will be good and begging them to never again send them to bed without dinner.
In one particularly embarrassing scene the audience was unable to tell the difference between the broomstick and the witch who was riding it.
According to one theatre owner, “This movie has been a boon to our concession sales!” It seems hundreds of movie goers have been throwing popcorn, sno-caps and gummy worms at the screen hoping some of the food will get into the mouths of the malnourished actresses.
There is a rumor that despite the 150-million-dollar production budget, not a nickel went into feeding the actors.
“Not true!” said Craft Service Manager Ran Sid Pewcup, “Over the years, the actors have become increasingly more difficult to feed. They refuse to eat what we give them! We throw away tons of perfectly good processed, frozen and fried food each week. We used to try to accommodate them, but now their demands are impossible! They want ‘gluten free’ this and ‘free range’ that and everything of course has to be organic, fresh and locally sourced. Screw ‘em – it’s just easier to let them starve.”
With what little energy the starving co-stars have left, the studio has sent them on a publicity tour for the movie but ironically, the two well-groomed skeletons have raised more money for famine relief agencies than they made in movie ticket sales.
On a positive note, both of the co-star witches have been nominated for the Academy Award in the category of ‘Best Starving Actress’. Instead of an Oscar statuette, the prize however will be a lifesaving footlong Oscar Mayer Weiner.
The Academy is also considering giving an Oscar to everyone in the media who has interviewed the emaciated Wicked actresses for acting like there was nothing horribly wrong with them.
