Satire City, DC – After promising he would never pardon his son Hunter “under any circumstances”, Joe Biden has issued a full pardon for his son Hunter who (as much of a convicted criminal as he is) turns out to be an even bigger victim.
According to President Biden, “Of all the thousands of foreign agent, influence peddling, money laundering, sex crazed, prostitute and sister-in-law banging, dirt bag, porn filming, tax evading, gun toting, strung out drug addicts in the country, the Justice Department has unfairly targeted my son Hunter for political purposes.”
Now that the democratically elected Trump is sure to bring about an ‘end to democracy’, Joe Biden is rushing to protect other people who may be unfairly targeted for retribution once Trump takes office. To achieve this, President Biden is reportedly thumbing through the phone book and issuing pardons to everyone named Joe or Biden.
Now in his last days in office, the lamest of ducks, President Joe Biden is also cementing his legacy of worst President ever, by pardoning all 20 million illegal aliens for not only entering the country illegally but for all crimes they may have committed between January 1, 2014 until noon on the day he leaves office – January 20, 2025.
“But Mr. President isn’t that writing a blank check to the immigrants to commit murder, rape, drug dealing and human trafficking?”
“C’mon man, don’t be racist. Let’s not argue and bicker about who raped and murdered who…”
According to unnamed sources, to speed things up, Biden is issuing a pardon to everyone in North America named Juan, Juanita, Carlos, Jose or Maria, has pardoned every farm worker, produce picker and meat packer who has at least three vowels in their last name and to cover the rest of them, the President is including three pardons with every drive thru Chicken Chalupa Supreme value meal deal at Taco Bell.
Said Joe Biden suffering from the world’s worst case of writer’s cramp, “With just 20 million strokes of the pen, as of today, there are no illegal aliens in the United States, just aliens. Mexicans, Mongolians, Martians – whatever! – they’re ALL legal!
Issuing such a huge number of pardons has already had a positive effect on the economy creating a noticeable dip in inflation since Biden switched the US treasury printing presses from printing $100 bills to printing pardons.
The President has also issued a blanket pardon to his loudest, most obnoxious supporter – the foul-mouthed actor turned foul-mouthed partisan hack, Robert DeNiro, making him immune to prosecution for all his past activities (with the exception of his performance in the movie ‘Little Fockers’ which in the words of Joe Biden and every movie critic in the world is “unwatchable and unforgivable”).
