Satire City, IRAN – After only a week of war, the world is experiencing numerous acute shortages. The French have run out clean underwear, the British have run out of excuses as to why they can’t fight against Islamic Extremists (Short answer, it’s because they’ve already been conquered by them), the United States is running out of patience with its pathetic, cowardly NATO partners, The Russians and Chinese are running out of friends and the Israelis are running out of Iranian leaders to kill; yet the most severe shortage is not in this world but in the next.
The huge surge of martyrs has completely depleted Paradise’s supply of virgins. According to Shia Paradise Supply Officer Omar Ohsotightie, “Even in the best of times, beautiful virgins are hard to come by… no pun intended, but these US and Israeli air strikes are killing me! Again, no pun intended. They are creating hundreds of martyrs each day for which I need to find 72 virgins EACH! I can’t keep it up!!! No pun intended.”
Take the sad case of Achmed Kablawi. Seconds after turning on a Russian made anti-aircraft radar installation, he was granted a first class ticket to paradise by a 5,000 pound bomb dropped from a screaming F-35.
He reports, “Paradise was nothing like they said it was in the Iranian army recruitment brochure. First of all, there was a REALLY long line to get in – then they tell me they ran out of virgins!! I was so disappointed and desperate to get my share of virgins that I even tried to get into Christian heaven! I figured they’d at least have some former nuns – but St. Peter wouldn’t give me a set of wings. He said something about me being on the ‘no-fly list’.”
Jihad recruiters in downtown Tehran were scrambling to find substitute incentives, desperately screaming out to the dwindling numbers of formerly blood thirsty young men. “How about 7 horny Afghan hounds? 17 slightly syphilitic belly dancers? OK, OK, 72 tickets to see Debbie Does Dubai!!”
Said one despondent wannabe jihadi, “I strapped on my suicide vest and was ready to go out and exact my holy revenge on the infidels when I heard the news – no virgins in heaven?! What the hell??! I mean that was the deal!! I’ll tell you this much, I’m not going to go BOOM in this life until I’m sure I can go BANG in the next!”
