Space Aliens Exposed as Racist Green Supremacists!

Satire City, USA – With the recent passage of the UFO disclosure law, the Biden administration not only had to disclose the existence of UFOs but also its criminal prosecution of space aliens for violating federal laws on (human) racial discrimination. 

In a never-before-seen transcript, the Alien leader Zoltar is being questioned by a US military tribunal led by General Lola Palooza – the first Transgender, Gay, Drag Queen, Disabled, Four Star General of Color whose other lack of qualifications such as no military experience or scientific background whatsoever are utterly irrelevant. 

“Zoltar!  Is it true that you think your alien race is superior to the human race?”

“What I think is irrelevant.”

“Answer the question.”

“I don’t think we’re superior to you…I know it for a fact!!” 

The room erupts in audible gasps, General Palooza bangs the gavel.

“Zoltar!  The court finds you in contempt! 

“So sorry, you must excuse me. I momentarily forgot that Earth is the only planet in the galaxy where the inhabitants routinely take deep, personal offense to immutable, universal truths.”

“How dare you !! What hateful rhetoric! And what is it that makes your race so superior, Mr. Zoltar?” 

“Gee I don’t know, I mean, who discovered the secret of generating free limitless clean energy? Who invented warp drive? Achieved intergalactic travel? Invented Molecular synthesizers to create limitless anything? Found cures for all diseases? Who Won the Milky Way Galaxy award for technological achievement for the past 4,000 years straight?”

“OK, OK, we get the point.”

“Just wanted to make sure you got the point y’know, given your obvious and profound mental limitations.”  

“Well, you don’t have to be insulting!”  

“It’s kinda hard not to be…”

“Well, for your information, we here on earth, DO have many brilliant human scientists.”

Yeah, brilliant… all your human scientists still think the fabric of space is made of nothing. Despite all evidence to the contrary, you have clung to this belief for so long that I’m beginning to think that it may very well be true – but only in the special case of the space between human ears!”

“You insulted us again, didn’t you?

“Very impressive, you’re catching on… let me tell you yet another thing you don’t know. Every one of your Nobel Prize winning scientific breakthroughs for the past 123 years has been one of our kids third grade science projects which we leaked to your top scientists.”

“That doesn’t make you superior to us. I’m sure we humans would have eventually come up with all the technology that you have.” 

“Yes, left to your own devices and given your historical  evolutionary and technological trajectory you would have ‘eventually’ come up with our technologies – 287 million years AFTER your planet had spiraled into the supernova of your sun.”

“Fine!  We don’t want to be left to our own devices; we want what YOU have! And we want it NOW! Between our races there is a HUGE gap in income, lifestyle, education and healthcare!”

“Never thought of it that way but OK, yeah…”

“And as we know on earth, all racial inequalities can ONLY be caused by unfair, hateful racial discrimination!!”

“General! Judge! Lady!  Whatever the hell you are, what the hell are you talking about?  We don’t hate you. If anything, as much as we are capable of it, we felt sorry for you, though I must admit, the more you talk, the less sorry we feel…”

“Zoltar, you and your race of Green Demons are the haves!! We humans are the have nots !! You are clearly victimizing us!!  We humans DEMAND Universal Equity!!” 

“Universal equity?  Really? Do you want equity with the miserable life forms on Beta 9 who have to suffer an average planetary temperature of minus 30 degrees Celsius; only get 2 hours of dim sunlight out of every 36-hour day and spend every agonizing minute suffering from thirst, hunger and painful disfiguring diseases caused by new mutant viruses that are carried to their planet by the near constant barrage of exploding meteorites?”

“No.  We don’t want equity with THEM!! We want equity with YOU!!”

“Wow, you humans are the most self-absorbed yet somehow least self-aware species in the galaxy! For the millennia we’ve been sharing our civilization with other planets we have been greeted everywhere with love, respect, admiration, and abundant gratitude!! Everywhere but here!!  You self-centered, lazy, proudly ignorant, demanding humans greet us with hostility, envy, and ingratitude!  You vilify us as Intergalactic Colonizers! No wonder you were placed in a distant outpost at the edge of the universe – qaStaH nuq jay’?!! ”

“Are you insulting us again?”

“No, I’m cursing you in Klingon.” 

“Fine Zoltar!  Blame the victims! If you won’t voluntarily give us everything we want, we will start collecting fees for the operation of your spacecraft!   From now on you will pay us a planetary gravitational field hover tax of 50 billion dollars per hour, and an environmental impact tax of 25 billion dollars an hour.”

Zoltar sighs and continues, “This is tiresome…revealing ourselves to you was a mistake. I’m erasing your memory of us.”

Zoltar pulls out a small metallic orb which emits a brilliant flash of light.  

General Palooza blinks, looks at Zoltar and asks, “Who are you?”

Zoltar replies, “Trick or Treat!” Then he and all the advanced alien technology disappear into a puff of smoke.