Medical Education: Incoming Class Cancels Hippocrates

Satire City, MN – Newly admitted medical students have decided that promising to “do no harm” is an old fashioned ideal.  These days, patients don’t want a doctor who is going to cure their ailments.  No, according to these future doctors, what patients REALLY want is a doctor who will ‘honor Indigenous ways of healing’ and fight ‘white supremacy, colonialism, gender binary and all forms of oppression’’.

The new medical school class is proud to report 100% victim status as all its members are from historically victimized or marginalized groups.  In other words, there is not a single heterosexual white male in the class.  The few white men in the class who do not identify as women or as gay or as gay women, have categorized themselves as not being truly heterosexual by virtue of the fact that they are either:

• Incels (involuntary celibates) or
• Bronies (voluntary celibates who have a thing for My Little Pony).

In order to “fight white supremacy” these future doctors will be dramatically altering their curriculum by purging it of all the prejudices and biases (cleverly disguised as medical breakthroughs) steeped into the traditional western medical education by generations of privileged, colonizing, white men.  

In this first phase they will rid their medical education of these tools of the Eurocentric patriarchy. 

1 – Sterile technique

          2 – Vaccines

          3 – Antibiotics

          4 –  Insulin

          5 –  X-rays   

When asked whatever happened to ‘follow the science”?   The reply from the class president, Moe Ron, was a mournful, “Yeah, we tried following the science and made a painful discovery. The science is racist.”

The medical school’s Dean could not be reached for comment as he was too busy beating himself with a whip while tearfully and profusely apologizing for being white before peeling the white skin off his body and giving it to medical researchers on campus to see what makes it so evil.

According to the students, informed consent will now include the trigger warning that the lifesaving medication or procedure you are about to receive was invented by a white man and therefore contributes to the advancement of white supremacy, colonialism, and the patriarchy. 

You have three choices.

 1 – You can humiliatingly subjugate yourself to the oppression of white supremacy by taking this medication and live (albeit in shame for the rest of your long life).

 2 – You can refuse the latest scientifically proven treatment and opt for indigenous healing methods historically marginalized by modern medical practices because of generations of oppression and systemic racism (and not because they have a greater than 90% mortality rate) – and in doing so you will very likely die (but proudly, and for a cause).

OR

        3 –  Just die.

As nearly every specialty of modern medicine owes its existence to advancements made by a Eurocentric patriarch, the only two medical specialties of study to be offered at the medical school are based on the practices of the native indigenous peoples.

1- Physician assisted suicide. 

 The students are proud to assert that in performing the ritual of human sacrifice it was actually the Mayans who invented physician assisted suicide.  Though we have no proof it was actually  a physician that climbed the stone pyramid to cut the beating heart out of “the patient” or if “the patient” actually wanted to die.

 2- Abortion services:

The students are also proud to assert that in performing the ritual of human sacrifice by allowing young children to freeze to death on mountaintops, the Incas invented (retroactive) abortion. Though here again there is no proof that the mothers of these children actually wanted the children to be terminated.

According to Moe Ron “Native American medical practices will eventually get the recognition and acceptance they deserve. My biggest fear is that, in the meantime, yet another white person will make, yet another medical breakthrough like finding the cure for cancer, again share it with the rest of humanity and again end up saving millions of lives!  He buries his tear-stained face into his hands and wails like a wounded animal, “The evil bastards!!”