Satire City, NY – After this past week in New York City saw two people pushed onto the subway tracks and another stabbed on a subway car, the NYPD is assuring citizens that the subway is “uh, as safe as ever”.
The Metropolitan Transit Authority didn’t specifically address the violence but is encouraging graffiti artists to spray-paint the trains and subway platforms to cover the blood spatter.
The NYC subway death toll is climbing so high that Former Fox News host and current totalitarian and fascism apologist Shmucker Quarrelsome made the case that New York City is worse than Nazi Germany because, “Even the Nazis had the common decency to wait for people to get off the train before they killed them.”
In a typical year, on average, 20-30 people are pushed onto the NYC subway tracks (for comparison to a civilized society, the number of people pushed onto the tracks of the Tokyo subway system in a typical year, on average is closer to ZERO than to 1).
The spokesperson for the Society of Strap Hangers Openly Victimizing Every Rider (SHOVER), Ms. Anita Brain explains, “Homicidal People aren’t the problem. Hands are the problem. Hands are what push people onto the subway tracks, so we tried the ‘Give New York City a Hand’ program. We figured if we chop subway riders’ hands off, they wouldn’t be able to push their fellow passengers on to the tracks.”
“Sounds logical, did it work?”
“Unfortunately, no. People were still pushing their victims onto the tracks using their bloody wrist stumps…that’s when we decided we needed to literally take it up a notch and ban arms.”
“Firearms?”
“No, we banned arm arms. Y’know – the flesh covered bones that people can’t be trusted to walk around with.
“Don’t people have the right to carry their own arms?”
She smirked, wagged her finger and chided, “That’s a common misconception but, no; no, they don’t. Our legal scholars have done an extensive AI search and determined that Americans are guaranteed the constitutional right to Life and Liberty but not to limbs.”
“You’re going to amputate everyone’s arms?”
“Yes, we are literally going to disarm them. As a bonus, we expect that once people don’t have actual arms, firearms and knives would no longer be a problem either.”
