College Campuses Cleansed of Colonizer Students!

Satire City, USA – In a stunning, sweeping victory for freedom and justice, every college campus in the United States has been liberated by Indigenous Native Americans! 

According to Big Chief Little Bear Jihad, “For generations we have been negotiating to get our land back.  We passed around the peace pipe in friendship, we have signed treaties in good faith, and what has it ever gotten us?  Some fire water and a few 1970’s style casinos!”

He pointed to TV screens showing MSNBC and CNN.  “But now with the war in the Middle East, we Native Americans have learned what we need to do to win the hearts and minds of America’s youth to get our land back.” 

“And what’s that?”

“We need to become crazed, homicidal, genocidal, maniacs.”

“Really?”  

“Yes, and we also need a catchy slogan – From the sea to the sea, America will be free!”  

“Where will all the white, yellow and black people who currently live in America go?”

“Where they came from – the sea!”

“They can’t live in the sea!”

The chief then held up his palm dismissively and declared, “Not my problem.”

As the first wave of newly radicalized Native American  liberators escaped their reservation and breeched the walls of an Ivy League college campus with bulldozers or heroically sailed over the walls in paraglides, the students thought they were going to happily and peacefully co-exist with their formerly oppressed brethren.  They welcomed the War painted faces of the Braves who came to liberate the land with Soros purchased signs reading “Trans-Boys for Iroquois”, “Non-Binary’s for Navajos” and “People with Front holes for Seminoles!” 

But before the students could even start chanting – they were beaten to death with their own signs.

Native liberators then ran roughshod through campus killing every student they could get their hands on while onlookers sheepishly cowered and cried. When the police finally showed up to confront the bloodthirsty, rage-driven, homicidal maniacs, the blood covered Braves momentarily pointed their guns skyward and called out, Ceasefire!!” 

The surviving students then ran out of their hiding spots in the bushes, formed a human shield around the invading liberators hugged them, cried and started singing “Give peace a chance”.  After the cops shrugged their shoulders and left, the Natives lowered their guns and continued their killing spree.   

The last words spoken through the gurgling blood of a tattooed, nose-pierced, purple-haired Gender studies major after being bludgeoned in the library by a hatchet-wielding warrior, “It’s not a massacre, it’s justice.” 

Said the bloody severed head of a Gen Z version of Nathan Hale decapitated in the attack – “My only regret is that I didn’t have a wife for them to rape and a baby for them to burn alive.”  

Following this initial blood-soaked melee, the Native Americans and the surviving College students scalped by the Native Americans joined hands and marched to the Administration building to demand the occupied land known as their campus be returned to the Natives. 

In a ceremony punctuated by the sounds of blood curdling screams, and the sight and smell of burning libraries, academic buildings and dormitories, the former Dean of  Diversity, Equity and Inclusion stepped over piles of student bodies to receive her new appointment from the liberators as the Dean of Homicide, Genocide, infanticide and Suicide.  

Said one doomed college student waiting in line to be decapitated and thrown off a cliff.  “For the first time in my life I’m actually at peace.  I was always SO angry and attended violent protests every weekend.  It was so hard to live a life dedicated to environmental, economic, social and racial justice.” Then using his last breath as a sigh of relief, “It’s so much easier to die for Justice!”  

Said the mother of three recently killed college students, while clutching her handmade “pussy hat” and staring out the window,  “I have mixed feelings… I’m sad that I lost my children, but I’m glad it was for a good cause.  Also, on the bright side, it’s cheaper to bury what was left of them in that mass grave than to pay another semester’s outrageously expensive tuition.