Satire City, MT – For the past week it’s all anyone has been talking about. If nothing else we owe China a debt of gratitude for steering the usual conversations away from Harry, Meghan, Miley, Britney or anyone named Kardashian toward another equally tangible sign of the ‘End of Western civilization’ – the Chinese Spy Balloon.
An unnamed Chinese official who refused the services of an interpreter and insisted on speaking to the American media in his own broken English finally admitted, “ balloon, what is balloon?! Oh, you mean barroon !! Yes, yes, we froated a barroon, yes, but it not a spy barroon. It’s a WEATHER barroon! Yes, yes ! We wanted to see WHETHER you would shoot it down or not!”
Smiling broadly and giddy with excitement he continued “After a full week the barroon is still froating over your country!! You SOOO stoopid!! I must be dreaming !! Here, here, pinch me with a robster craw !!”
After passing over the entirety of Alaska undetected, the spy balloon was initially spotted over Canada’s most sacred, sensitive and secret installation – a hockey training camp in Saskatchewan.
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was immediately notified and refused to shoot it down because the debris might violently fall to the earth and hurt a Caribou or a polar bear or a baby harp seal.
Trudeau’s military advisors also cautioned that the environmental impact of shooting off one carbon spewing rocket to bring down the solar powered, environmentally friendly balloon would raise the local temperature by 0.00000000000001 degree over the course of the next 50 years and thus endanger Canada’s status as the second largest worthless, barren, frozen wasteland on the planet.
After wasting 12 hours trying to decipher a cryptic urgent message from Canada’s high command written in half French / half pidgin English (delivered by a frostbitten carrier pigeon), NORAD immediately scrambled a squadron of 5th generation stealth F-35 fighter jets to intercept the balloon at the border. While the jets menacingly criss-crossed the sky at Mach 1.3, the spy balloon just floated into the country unmolested (after it unfurled a banner requesting asylum causing Vice President Harris to burst into tears and President Biden to order the fighter jets to stand down).
The administration then “closely monitored” the spy balloon as it floated over nuclear missile silos in Montana gathering sensitive information on our nations’ ICBMs. (Inter Continental Ballistic Missiles). Realizing he had screwed up big time and trying to conceal his own ICBM (In Continent Bowel Movement) the president said in regard to the Chinese balloon, he is “keeping all options on the table” – “oh except shooting it down”.
After it gathered crucial, sensitive information regarding our nuclear missile defenses, the Air Force then “closely monitored” the Chinese balloon as it headed south to Fort Knox, Kentucky where it hovered over the United States Bullion Depository and lifted out 1,850 gold bars.
The Air Force, CIA, FBI and 78,000 of the newly hired 87,000 IRS agents continued to “closely monitor” the gold and data gathering device as it flew into an open window at the Pentagon and started gathering dozens of top secret classified papers.
By the CIAs estimate, the Chinese have now acquired hundreds of classified documents containing thousands of military secrets.
According to six star General and Head of the Military’s Gender Category Training Program, Michelle (formerly Mitchell) Cowart, “Eh, don’t worry, this breech is not that big a deal. The really important documents are being stored in Joe Biden’s garage, Mike Pence’s pantry and Melania Trump’s underwear drawer…”
The balloon was then tracked across the Potomac River to Washington, DC where it dumped a 4,000 pound pile of horse manure.
According to a press release from the same unnamed Chinese official, “Dear Honorable Mr. Plesident, our gift of fertilizer for the White House Rose Garden accidentally fell through the rotunda of the Capitol building. Oopsie! So sorry, we so clumsy!”
An enraged White House issued the following statement:
“The president will always put the safety, security and dignity of the American people last… I mean first. We will continue tracking the balloon closely and we are keeping ALL options on the table!!” – “oh, except shooting it down.”
The balloon then floated into New York harbor where it paused and a thick, long metallic probe slowly and menacingly emerged from its underside. New Yorkers scattered in fear that this was a doomsday device preparing to destroy the city but then two smaller balloons inflated to dangle beneath the huge erect probe. Suddenly the balloon came behind the Statue of Liberty, peeled off her robe and violated her in full view of 8 million terrified New Yorkers.
On orders from the President the US military stood by to “observe the situation closely” and record the metallic creaking and shrieking of our beloved symbol of freedom while dozens of thoroughly offended male and female members of the US diplomat corps made their way in high heels to the UN building in midtown Manhattan to lodge a formal complaint against China.
In retaliation for this unprecedented, blatant, flagrant, egregious and disgusting violation of US airspace, sovereignty and National Monuments, an angry President Biden not only cancelled Secretary of State Blinken’s planned trip to China, he also cancelled his doordash dinner order of Kung Pow Chicken from a local Chinese restaurant.
After taking such decisive actions the reaction from the world was swift.
Upon seeing how it’s supposed protector, the United States, won’t even protect its own airspace from a single Chinese balloon – Taiwan weighed its options and surrendered to China.
The smallest NATO member state, Luxembourg, offered to come over and shoot the damn balloon down themselves.
Our Eastern European allies (who are genuinely embarrassed for us), have generously offered to ship us as many “ready to inject” syringes of testosterone as we need to de-transition our transgender, rainbow military and grow its balls back.
