Satire City, USA – In the most amazing piece of diplomacy since Neville Chamberlain carved off pieces of Czechoslovakia to feed to Hitler before Nazi Germany just decided to swallow it whole, President Trump has just sliced off pieces of Ukraine to feed to Putin and declared victory!
President Trump’s Special Envoy, Nit Witkoff lauds the 28-point plan and explains it this way.
“It’s complicated so I’ll explain it in terms a Japanese second grader or a typical American voter can understand. Let’s say Russia is a Pit bull that attacked our Schnauzer, which is Ukraine. Like all responsible pet owners, we want to stop the bloodshed ASAP, so we are yanking on the Schnauzer’s chain and commanding it to roll over and play dead.”
“After it had two legs bitten off by Russia? I mean the Pit bull…”
“Well, yes, two legs and an ear bitten off. OK? Then, while it’s lying there in a pool of blood and playing dead, we’re going to chop off another leg and toss it to the Russians – I mean the Pit bull.”
“Is the United States going to do anything to help its Schnauzer?”
“Sure, we’re going to bleed it dry and suck the marrow out of its remaining bones with the one trillion dollar rare earth agreement we forced it to pawprint sign a few months ago.”
“Nice. Why bother keeping ANY of the Schnauzer? To save at least a little democracy?”
“No, to save the Polish Sausage dog, the German Shepard and the Swedish lap dog in case the Pit bull gets hungry again.”
All other NATO members voiced support for the plan but especially Turkey (which is relieved that, at least for this Thanksgiving, it won’t be the one getting carved up).
Ukraine has until Thursday to accept this “piece” plan. Ukrainian President Zelensky expressed gratitude to his friend President Trump by saying, “Thank you” in English and muttering under his breath in Ukrainian, “With money hungry friends like this, who needs bloodthirsty enemies?”
