Satire City, USA – Following the humiliating defeat to the Chinese spy balloon last week, top military commanders of the Biden administration have shifted their defensive posture from DON’T shoot under any circumstances to “shoot first and ask questions later.”
Keen amateur astronomers have already noticed the effect of this new policy as the moon has recently acquired several new impact craters as it had the audacity to traverse US airspace several times since the new policy went into effect.
Then last Friday, a metallic spherical UFO was sighted nearing US airspace over Alaska. When the UFO crossed into North American Air space , NORAD, the combined U.S.- Canada organization that provides shared defense of airspace over the two nations sprang into action.
First, they checked their calendar to make sure it wasn’t December 24th. Then, having positively ruled out the possibility that it was Santa Claus, the Americans scrambled a squadron of F-22 fighter jets to meet the threat while the Canadians scrambled a dozen eggs to make dinner in case the invading aliens were hungry.
After getting visual confirmation of the UFO, President Joe Biden ordered the object to be shot down. Prime Minister Trudeau also ordered the object to be shot down (10 minutes after it WAS shot down by the Americans on Biden’s order).
Video feed from the missile fired from the belly of the F-22 fighter jet shows a saucer shaped metallic object with no visible means of propulsion sporting a rainbow emblem and a bumper sticker reading “We Come in Peace.”
After the missile hit its target shattering it to pieces, the navy scoured the still frozen arctic waters for crash debris.
They found flaming pieces of a futuristic alien metal previously unknown to earth (with the possible exception of Tesla’s cybertruck), and singed rubbery parts of what the coroner said can only be described as “little green men”.
The Biden administration was relieved that the aliens’ skin color was not one of those on the list of federally protected colors because as we all know, committing a perceived act of racism is far worse than committing an actual of act of intergalactic war.
On Saturday another UFO was shot down over Canada and on Sunday yet another UFO was shot down over the Great Lakes.
According to ‘Top Gun’ fighter pilot Seymour Bogies who was, blasting “Danger Zone” from a boombox he was holding up to one ear, crushing a beer can on his head with his other hand and wearing a leather bomber jacket emblazoned with the motto –
“US Air Force – Proudly Keeping the Skies of North America Alien Free Since… Last Week .”
“Yee- ha !! It’s like a real life, shooting fish in a barrel version of Space Invaders up there !! I sneak up in their blind spot, pop up, squeeze off a missile and before ET has a chance to phone home, BAM !!!! I turn that flying saucer into my favorite dish – Alien Flambe !!
When told of the last successful shoot down of a flying saucer over Lake Huron, President Biden exclaimed ! “Wow! This is bigger F ‘en deal than Obamacare ! The first time in history a UFO has been shot down!” His aides then gently reminded him that he had a UFO shot down yesterday and another one the day before that.
It is unknown if President Biden’s memory was erased by the secret government agents known as the Men in Black, using their slim, pocket-sized neuralyzer, or if his memory was erased by the fact that he is doddering, drooling, feeble-minded, senile 80 year old codger.
But not everyone is celebrating these military ‘victories’ over the UFOs.
Republicans initially accused President Biden of distracting everyone with a show of protecting the Northern border from a few space aliens while he lets hundreds of thousands of illegal aliens come pouring across the Southern border. The Republicans however soon backed off that allegation conceding the plan was just too brilliant for Biden to have thought of it.
Now that shooting UFOs has become fair game, in a desperate attempt to pass any legislation which would appear to protect any US border, from anything – the Republicans plan to sponsor a bill that would allow border patrol agents to shoot Bigfoot if he so much as puts one hairy toenail across the border.
While all the new border security measures should be making us feel safer, some experts are gravely concerned.
According to astronomers utilizing the modified Kardashev scale, we on planet earth have just crossed the threshold to become a very rare class 4B civilization- which is a civilization that is smart enough to develop advanced weapons systems capable of shooting down alien spacecraft but yet somehow stupid enough to actually shoot down alien spacecraft.
It seems their fears were well founded.
In an unnerving development, the Pentagon has since acknowledged receipt of an unencrypted message which originated outside the solar system from Zoltar – the Supreme leader of the Universal Federation of Mega-Intelligent Life Forms (MILFs). This message was transmitted to earth at 2,000 times the speed of light (an embarrassingly slow speed they admit, but their broadband system in this part of the Milky Way is down).
The message reads “You are SO stupid !! Prepare to die !!!”
Experts all agree that we need not take the insulting message too personally as the MILF’s communications to all non-member civilizations evidently begin with the greeting “ You are SO stupid !!”
Giving this dire situation , the UN called an emergency session to draft a non-binding resolution to condemn the impending destruction of planet earth.
Unfortunately China refused to vote for any resolution that allowed Taiwan to exist independently, Russia threatened to use its veto power unless the aliens were allowed to at least destroy Ukraine, and nearly all the countries of the Middle East voted against the resolution as their ambassadors were giddy with excitement at the prospect of the end of the world- as it would achieve their long sought after goal – the destruction of Israel.
Fortunately, MILF’s death ray is limited to traveling at twice the speed of light and therefore ( given the location of their nearest Death Star) we can expect it to arrive in 2,000 years or exactly 2010 years after Al Gore said we’d all already be dead from global warming.
