Satire City, DC – Following the conquest of Venezuela, as part of his new “Donroe” doctrine, President Trump had set his sights on taking control of Greenland, Canada and Minneapolis.
Unfortunately, his plan of exerting dominance over the Western hemisphere is being met by resistance:
Greenland insists that in the event of WW3, Denmark can defend it – despite the fact that in WW2, Denmark couldn’t even defend Denmark; while Canada is giving the US the “cold shoulder” (not surprisingly as it IS January and that’s the only kind of shoulder they have up there).
Even more unfortunately, in a dramatic turn of events, while the US military was distracted playing Hokey Pokey with the Ayatollah- Canada and Greenland impulsively joined China, for the expressed purpose of – in the words of their UN ambassadors, “pissing off Donald Trump”.
In a surprise move the Chinese have reportedly bought Canada and Greenland for 50 billion carbon credits.
Mark Carney, former Canadian PM and current Chief lackey, water carrier and rickshaw puller for the Communist Chinese said, “It was too good a deal to pass up. With that many carbon credits to offset our carbon production, the Chinese said we can burn our forests for heat to stay warm this winter without worry.”
“You couldn’t burn your own oil and timber to stay warm before they gave you the carbon credits?”
“No, no we Canadians are very proud and principled people. We’d rather freeze to death than contribute to global warming.”
When asked where the carbon credits came from, the Chinese Minister of Crean Energy, Mr. Day So Dum said, “We just printed them up, they worthless – after they burn their forests, they can burn the paper we printed them on.”
As their land is being strip mined for rare earth minerals, pumped for oil and flooded to make frozen rice paddies – thousands of Canadians are holding up their frostbitten middle fingers to Trump in a final act of defiance as they are being marched through the snow to Uighur style concentration camps in Saskatchewan (now known as Saskatch- szechuan).
A resident of the newly renamed province of Blitish Corumbia said, “Trump can bite my ass!” “Though technically, it’s no longer mine as the Chinese own it.”
According to Dr. Freeze R. Burn, Ph. D “Cold is known to slow the metabolism, keeping bodily and brain functions to a bare minimum. This is great if you’re trying to survive being buried in an avalanche, but not so good when you are making decisions about your country’s sovereignty. “
The new General Secretary of Canada and Greenland, Bruce Lee JinPing said, “To hell with Taiwan! Why should we invade a tiny country that is willing to fight for its freedom when we could buy two huge countries filled with cold-blooded simpletons who don’t mind being enslaved?!”
