Washington, DC – In answer to the age old question “Do these jeans make me look fat?” We finally get an answer from a Harvard educated physician – No, it is not your jeans, it is your genes that make you fat.
According to Dr. Fatima Cody Stanford, the Biden Administration’s newly appointed USDA panel member ‘The number one cause of obesity is genetics. That means if you are born to parents that have obesity, you have a 50 to 85 percent likelihood of having the disease yourself. Even with optimal diet, exercise, sleep management, stress management.’
Whew! That’s a relief!!, said fat, gluttonous slob and noted Youtube Mukbanger Jimmy Cramface leaving a swath of ketchup on his face while wiping his brow between bites of a triple cheeseburger.
“My mom is always on my case because I’m eating cases of cupcakes, mountains of meatballs and pans of pasta. Now the truth is out !” He yelled up the stairs of his parent’s basement.
“Science has spoken Ma !! Science says I’m not fat because I eat like a herd of ravenous farm animals, No ! – I weigh 528 pounds because of you!! YOU ma!! You’re 20 pounds overweight and I inherited your fat gene!! It’s ALL YOUR FAULT!!”, he screamed before diving (open mouth first) into a kiddie pool full of chocolate pudding.
This new scientific discovery from Biden’s experts – that getting fat is genetic and has nothing to do with eating like a pig – comes on the heels of their previous discovery – that getting beaten up by the police is also genetic and has nothing to do with committing a crime or resisting arrest.
If genetics are encoded in our DNA over the course of thousands of years, why hasn’t obesity been a huge problem for previous generations?? Why is it an epidemic now?
According to classified documents found on the streets of Delaware after blowing out of the backseat of Joe Biden’s Corvette, “after the NIH funded top secret ‘gain of function’ research – the modified fat gene escaped from a top-secret laboratory in the backroom of a basement restaurant in Chinatown”.
This lab leak was ‘Ground Zero’ of the current obesity epidemic – where the world’s first Poo Poo platter stuffed, genetically modified fat people starting emerging in the mid-1990s.
Dr. Fatima Cody Stanford, insists that this new genetic obesity CAN’T be treated with exercise and diet because it’s an inherited trait (like a big nose) and therefore can only be treated surgically.
The surgery recommended by the Biden administration to treat the disease of obesity is NOT stomach stapling – which while effective in achieving weight loss, sadly does not do anything else to promote the other agendas of the administration.
According to Dr. Mengele Wannabe, “If an obese person prefers to identify as slim, these “slender affirming” surgeries will be offered at taxpayer expense.”
“Obese Women will undergo surgical removal of the breasts and uterus as this will result in an average weight loss of 10 pounds – and as much as 18 pounds – if a full-term fetus is fortuitously present in the uterus.”
“Fat Men will undergo surgical removal of their testicles, penis and breasts to also achieve an average weight loss of 10 pounds.”
When confronted with the fact that this surgical regimen sounded a lot like forced sterilization of fat people. Dr. Mengele shouted, “Vell, none of the thousands of gender-confused kids we are doing it to have complained !”
When asked if any of the more traditional weight loss surgical procedures would be provided, he said, “Ya, if you are a fat loudmouth conservative we vill be happy to wire your jaw shut.”
Reportedly, the Biden administration is preparing to appoint another medical expert to the panel who insists that getting hit by a car is genetic and has nothing to do with running into traffic.
These revelations have prompted other independent medical experts (who have NOT been chosen to sit on any Biden administration advisory Boards) to finally speak freely about the fact that the disease of stupidity is also largely genetic. A claim which they hope to overwhelmingly and undeniably substantiate by reviewing the results of IQ tests taken by the parents of the current crop of Biden medical expert panel appointees.
