Washington, DC – Radical right wing news organizations such as the Daily Unionized worker and the Woke Warrior Gazette were quick to report that President Joe Biden had crapped his pants in the White house during a cabinet meeting.
Our crack (no pun intended) investigative team (which also covered the Hunter Biden Laptop story) however has determined that the whole thing smells like Russian disinformation.
Said one cabinet member who didn’t want to be identified with the incident or with the Biden administration at all for that matter, “It was – in a word – disgusting – sounded like a sputtering prop plane. Then the smell. I was wearing 12 N-95 masks, but what I really needed was a gas mask”.
“First he blamed Putin for the mess, then he shot up and ran to the unisex staff restroom leaving a brown trail behind him.”
Despite the fact that everyone in the cabinet room and within a half mile downwind was certain that the copious brown sludge in President Biden’s underwear and dripping down his left leg was in fact stool, none of these people were, or are, a qualified expert.
As we all know, experts are now required to tell us everything from how many minutes we have left before the earth succumbs to global warming, to whose father fulfills the definition of the word “woman”.
In fact, the closest doctor to the scene, Dr. Jill Biden assured us that her husband simply sat on a pile of unwrapped chocolate bars and melted pudding pops. “Yeah, funny ol’ Joe, he does that kind of stuff all the time.” She laughed (until she thought she was out of earshot and started crying.)
Not wanting to take just one doctor’s opinion, we consulted Dr. Horatio Gomer. A board-certified gerontologist whose specialty is taking care of old, senile, decrepit, incompetent, incontinent invalids like our President.
“Yes. At the old age home Padded Pines, I take care of hundreds of feeble geezers like old Joe here. No surprise to me to hear he has more control over the country’s nuclear arsenal than his own rectal sphincter. I’ll tell ya, if I had a dime for every time one of my patients crapped his pants I’d – Oh! That reminds me, I need to move my Rolls Royce.”
Reportedly a team of homeland security agents in hazmat suits quickly cleaned up the mess before the alleged “stool” could be sent to a lab.
Therefore as no sample was analyzed by an expert scatalogist and officially certified as fecal matter – we find the claim, “President Joe Biden crapped his pants during a cabinet meeting” to be unsubstantiated.
OUR VERDICT: FALSE
