Satire City, MA – This report was compiled with help (mostly in the form of inspiration) from CNN, The New York Times, the Washington Post and the Huffington Post.
On what would have been an otherwise beautiful spring day, jack- booted thugs from the Trump administrations CIA, FBI, DEA and ICE broke down the door of a rural cottage made of aromatic gingerbread and placed the homeowner, a helpless, elderly woman under arrest.
Esmerelda Hex, a 178-year-old woman who was thankfully freed by a Soros appointed Federal Judge, was unable to contain the tears streaming down her endearing hairy mole and the sides of her long, pointed nose, as she told the details of her terrifying ordeal.
“I was standing in my kitchen, cooking dinner and making jam when a SWAT team broke through my front door!”
“Esmerelda, why do you think they targeted you?”
“I am obviously a victim of Witchophobia!! An irrational fear of witches! Every time someone falls into a coma after eating a poison apple – they blame the witches! A child ends up in a cauldron of boiling water? Blame the witches! Someone falls under a spell? Turns into a frog? Rises from the dead? Eats human flesh?! Blame the witches!”
“That’s terrible. Did they read you your rights?”
“No! They pointed their guns at me and screamed, ‘Where are the children!!’ Then they told me to get on my knees and put my hands over my head!”
“Did you comply?”
“With MY arthritis?!”
“You must have been terrified. What did you do?”
“I innocently grabbed my broom. It’s not a crime in America for a homemaker to sweep her own house – is it?”
But according to the FBI agent in charge of the raid, Damien Hunter, “She was trying to escape! She’s the ultimate flight risk!”
According to ACLU Chief attorney, Mya Hart S. Bleedin, “My client’s civil rights have been violated!! Can’t a sweet, old, green-blooded American woman do a simple innocent internet search for ‘eye of newt’ without ending up on an FBI watchlist?!”
But rather than admit to their obvious, bigoted, systemic Witchophobia, the FBI insists that Esmerelda was not targeted.
“It’s quite simple, we got a call about missing children and followed a trail of breadcrumbs to her front door.”
But once they arrived at her door they treated her with suspicion and rudely turned down her hospitality. According to Esmerelda, “The men had made a long trip through the forest and I thought they must be hungry, so I graciously offered them fresh, homemade meatloaf.”
According to agent Hunter, “She wasn’t being hospitable, she was trying to get us to eat the evidence. The lab DNA results confirm that the meatloaf was Hansel. We found what was left of Gretel in the Freezer and in Mason jars where her blood and ground up bones were labeled as “jam”.
With Esmerelda facing federal prosecution on these “Trumped” up charges, we asked agent Hunter, “Why is the government wasting all these resources and tax money on persecuting a poor old woman? Shouldn’t you be going after Jeffrey Epstein’s friends?! They did terrible things to children!”
To which agent Hunter replied, “Yes, but they didn’t eat them.”
