New York, NY – For years the rest of the country has looked on in a combination of pity, bewilderment, and consternation as New Yorkers seemingly unanimously and proudly upheld lifestyles and political beliefs that simultaneously defy common sense and common decency.
Among these:
That they are lucky to live in a 100 year old, 600 square foot apartment with rats and drug addicts outside their door.
That abortion should be legal not only through the third trimester, but through third grade.
That criminals are not responsible for their crimes, their collective victims are.
That the homeless are like sacred cows. Free to take over public places- go where they want, urinate, and defecate where they want. Unlike the cows they are also free to do drugs where they want (with government provided needles and crackpipes), and victimize and terrorize decent tax paying law-abiding citizens wherever and whenever they want.
That anyone who says they are a woman is in fact – POOF ! – indisputably a woman.
That high schools specifically designed toward nurturing the city’s best hope for the future- academically high achieving students – need to be closed because they are racist because they only take academically high achieving students.
That every man who thinks he’s a woman, woman who thinks she’s a man, child of any age and corpses at room temperature or above need to be vaccinated 87 times and have at least one N95 mask staple-gunned to their face to prevent Covid.
That anyone who disagrees with them is a Nazi, a Russian disinformant or something worse – a Republican.
Professor von Weinershnitzel who refused to give his or her (or their) preferred pronoun for fear of being cancelled, said in a mostly calm, vein popping wild eyed rant, ”I can tell you in my professional opinion- these people are crazy! All 8 million of them !!! It must be something in the water !! There is no other possible explanation!”
“I have lived in New York City my whole life and I’ve never been mugged, pushed onto the subway tracks or peacefully protested with bricks and Molotov cocktails in my hands because I follow two rules. I never leave my apartment und I never drink the water!”
Asked if the water supply could ever be cleansed and the city’s residents can ever regain their sanity. He hung his head in defeat, wrung his hands in despair, and whispered in resignation.
“Nein, I already tried.”
“Last year I thought I had the cure.” He lowered his voice to a whisper so he wouldn’t be heard by the bug he is convinced the FBI, CIA or AARP placed in his toaster.
“In the dead of night. I dumped 5 truckloads of it into the reservoir but all it did was lift the mass delusion that Andrew Cuomo was a Covid hero, great governor and decent human being.”
