Satire City, DC – Climate scientists and anthropologists have long known that humans are not native to the Western hemisphere having migrated over the “land bridge” from Asia.
According to Mr. Will Deportia, spokesman for the the Society to Coordinate Reversal of Ancient American Migration, (SCRAAM), “It is an established fact that 30,000 years ago, North America was an untouched, unspoiled paradise just waiting for white men from Europe to invent ships and sail to its shores.”
“Uh huh…”
“Unfortunately due to the incredibly lax border controls during the last ice age, America was invaded by convoys of illegal immigrants from East Asia, Communist Chinese and Communist Siberian Russians who swarmed across the frozen Bering Strait.”
“Uh huh….”
“Worse than that, they brought the first homos to this continent.”
“Homos?”
“Yes! Homo Sapiens sashaying across the frozen ice in a big prehistoric gay pride parade!”
“Uh-huh…”
“Fortunately, the current cold weather arctic blast has frozen the Bering strait creating a bridge, and providing us with a once in a millennia opportunity to return the invasive species to where they came from.”
After successfully lobbying the Trump administration for immediate action (by buying its crypto coin, generously donating to the construction of the East Wing ballroom and buying tens of thousands of movie theater tickets to see “Melania” (which it was unable to give away even with a free bucket of popcorn), the administration has announced that the so called Native Americans have until mid-march (when the ice is expected to melt) to walk back to Asia.
SCRAAM has also postulated that the lost continent of Atlantis once served as an ancient land bridge from Africa and the Middle East to North America. They haven’t found it yet, but are encouraging American Blacks and Jews to pack their bags and buy comfortable walking shoes…
