Satire City, DC – In order to protect the United States from incoming ICBMs and radioactive fallout from the nuclear annihilation of Canada (which we would otherwise not care about), President Trump plans to build a big beautiful defensive golden dome over North America.
In order to do that ,Trump says he needs every square inch of the 836,330 square miles of Greenland.
Unfortunately, President Trump’s generous opening offer of “just give it to us” was indignantly and foolishly rejected by NATO, Denmark and Greenland, which for its part insists it can defend itself, and the rest of North America, with its vast array of snow forts and the world’s largest arsenal of snowballs. This despite war game simulations which show the entire island can be conquered by one Boy Scout troop armed with two flame throwers and a slingshot.
Having no time to waste with the usual delicate, gentle diplomacy of Jarod Kushner or Steve Witkoff, President Trump has appointed a special envoy – Pauly Bonatano to handle the Greenland negotiation.
According to his Linked In profile, Mr. Bonatano has held numerous previous positions in Human Resources, Conflict Resolution, Construction, and Waste Management.
Mr. Bonatano was nice enough to provide us with a firsthand account of the opening round of negotiations.
“So I says to him – listen, Greenland, youse need to give it to us, it’ll make everyone’s life a lot easier, especially yours.”
“Then, he says, “I’m sorry but we just can’t…”
WHAM !
“So I whack him in the back of the head with my open palm and thick brass ring!”
“Whoa! What?! Did the President say you could raise your hand to other world leaders?”
Mr. Bonatano shrugged his shoulders, “Well…he didn’t say I couldn’t… but I’ll tell ya this, when he got up off the floor, he showed a lot more respect to the Don.”
“The Don?”
“Yeah, Donald – the President. Anyways, again I says to him, Greenland, youse need to give it to us.”
“Then, he says, “Can you at least ensure the integrity of the polar icecap?”
WHAM !
“So I whack him in the knee with a lead pipe and he goes crashing to the ground again. As he’s flopping around on the floor moaning in pain I says to him, “If I was you, I’d be more concerned about my kneecaps than the ice caps – Capeesh!!”
“Did he give in then?”
“Not yet, so I broke off the North Pole and stuck it where the sun don’t shine – not even during the summer! He was all broken up, bloody and walkin’ funny but still wouldn’t give it up. I’ll tell you he was either the toughest or the stupidest son of a bitch I ever met! Finally, after threatening to put him and his family in cement shoes and make them sleep with the frozen fishes, bada bing, bada boom – he’s ready to sign.”
