Satire City, DC – In the aftermath of President Biden’s own Dept. of Justice calling him a senile, old coot, and after his own press conference seemed to confirm that he was indeed a senile, old coot, the President has finally agreed to undergo a battery of mental competency tests.
According to the world’s foremost expert on cognitive testing Dr. Sigmoid Hemorrhoid, “The results from his mental competency tests are in and, I am happy to report, President Biden shows no signs of dementia.”
“Frankly Doctor, that is hard to believe.”
“Believe it! There is no difference from a test he took in 1982 when he was 40 years old. These test results should put the Ultra MAGA assertions that he’s senile to rest.”
“OK fine, good to know he passed the test…”
“Aaachh! He didn’t pass the test! He failed it big time!!”
“But you just said he wasn’t demented!”
The President is NOT demented. It’s worse than that. He is, and evidently always was – just plain stupid.”
“Stupid. That’s not good…”
“No, it’s not… stupid is far worse than senile.”
“What are you saying doctor? What’s the difference?”
“Well y’know how the British had Maggie Thatcher running their country? Well, we have Corky Thatcher running ours.”
“That’s not good…”
“Stupid? Doctor, are you sure you’re not just mistaking his idealism for idiocy?”
“What do you mean?”
“Like when he promised to choose a woman of color to be his running mate despite the fact that it obviously violated all federal anti-discrimination laws? Wasn’t he just being an anti-racist, righting the wrongs of the past?”
“No. He was just being stupid…”
“OK, how about when he dismantled all of Trump’s border policies and then was surprised when unvetted illegal aliens flooded into the United States? Wasn’t he just trying to give people a chance to live in freedom?”
“No. He was just being stupid…”
“What about when he refused to allow more domestic oil and gas production then was surprised when gas prices shot up and the Russians and Iranians used their inflated oil and gas profits to fund war in Ukraine and terror in the Middle East? Wasn’t he just being concerned about preserving the environment”?
“No. He was just being stupid…”
“Hmm, how about when we were trying to get the economy moving after Covid and he paid people to stay at home causing labor shortages, supply chain disruptions and runaway inflation? Wasn’t he just being thoughtful and charitable?”
“No. Yet again, unsurprisingly, he was just being stupid…”
“Hmmm, like last week when he said climate change, which is set to raise the temperature by 3.6 degrees Fahrenheit over the next 20 years, was a bigger threat to humanity than Vladimir Putin, who can push a button, launch hundreds of nuclear missiles, and raise the temperature in every US city to 10,340 degrees Fahrenheit within 30 minutes? Wasn’t he just being…. Oh, OK, OK… I see it now…stupid…excuse me, I need to sit down.”
“Why do you think he can’t seem to walk down, or even up the stairs without tripping. Why do you think he let his dog get away with biting his secret service agents not once, not twice but over 20 times!!”
“Stupid…. Yes, yes….it all makes sense now… so doctor, what IS his IQ?”
“The test doesn’t measure IQ but assesses his mental function along a spectrum as somewhere between a chimpanzee and a bag of rocks.”
“Amazing…. Doctor, how could someone so profoundly stupid get to be president?”
“Obviously, remarkably and sadly, because more than half of the voters in the United States are even stupider than he is…”
