Satire City, SC – Sitting alone, cross legged on the floor of her campaign headquarters strewn with streamers, confetti, broken balloons, and shattered dreams; Nikki Haley is left to nurse her wounds and determine if she has the physical and emotional strength to carry on in her abusive relationship.
Sipping expired Diet Ginger Ale from a dollar store plastic champagne flute she cast her sad eyes downward… “Things were great in the beginning. Donald was wonderful, he was warm, funny, attentive and oh, so charming. He could’ve had anyone he wanted but he chose me, ME over all the other girls… he plucked me like a flower from the obscurity of South Carolina politics. He put me, ME up in a beautiful high-rise apartment in New York City where I lived a life of luxury and excitement.”
“Uh, excuse me Nikki, but you weren’t his mistress, you were his delegate to the United Nations.”
“Fine! Whatever… I know what our relationship was”… she sighed wistfully, “and it was wonderful…”
“I told him I’d never run against him and at the time I meant it, but well everyone knows it’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind, right? So I did! But since then, I started to see a different, dark, scary side of him…”
Nikki then crawled along the floor and pulled a campaign banner over her body to comfort herself. “The first time it happened I was in shock! I was in a cheap, rundown hotel room in Iowa – mostly because those are the only kind of hotel rooms they have in Iowa, when Donald beat me. I couldn’t believe it could happen to me, I couldn’t believe it was the same man I had known and loved for years! I felt so helpless. All I could do was curl into a ball in the corner of the room and cry.”
Then we met up again in New Hampshire and he beat me again! He beat me bad! But I made excuses for it. I blamed myself. It’s my fault for breaking my promise to him. It’s my fault for not connecting with the voters. But then he followed me home to South Carolina and beat me to within an inch of my political life right on my own doorstep! Humiliating me in front of my family, friends, and neighbors – I knew I had to do something. That’s when I filed for the restraining order.”
Sounding amazingly reasonable for the first time in his life, Trump calmly explained the situation, “She’s batshit crazy!”
“Mr. President be that as it may, did you beat her or not?”
For a change he didn’t even deny the charges. “Yes. I beat her. I beat the crap out of her!”
“Mr. President have you considered counseling?”
“I’m doing exactly what my counselors are telling me to do. Let’s put it this way. Imagine you’re the heavyweight boxing champion of the world and you are being forced to get into the ring and defend your title against a skinny, welterweight woman. What do expect is going to happen when the bell rings?”
“The welterweight is going to get the crap beaten out of them.”
“Exactly – I have no choice!’ I don’t want to be doing this. It’s not my fault that she likes to be beaten, abused and publicly humiliated. The woman needs professional help!!”
Desperate Nikki pleaded, “Why won’t anyone help me?! It doesn’t matter where I go, If I go to Florida, he’ll follow me there and beat the crap out of me in broad daylight and no one cares! I used to think that if people were seeing me, ME – this poor little brown woman being beaten by a big, rich, old white man I could at least get some sympathy votes…”
“Uh, that’s not going to work with Republicans…”
“Yeah, tell me about it…”
Still I was able to find a few Haley supporters, and asked why they turned out to vote for her.
“Vote for her? I’m not on line to vote for her. I’m on line to donate blood to her. She’s taking an awful beating…”
Late Breaking Development… Democrat Judges in 45 states have granted Nikki Haley the requested restraining order – which in most cases bans abusers from coming within 100 yards of their victims, but in the case of Trump, bans him from the state entirely. The judges also ordered Trump be removed from their state’s ballot citing a little known and less frequently used clause in the constitution which disqualifies “Insurrectionist Woman Beaters” from high office.
