Satire City, DC – After classified documents were found in tattered boxes in President Biden’s garage, lining a birdcage in his house, hanging on a spool next to the toilet in his guest bathroom, and used as wrapping paper for gifts given to friends and family, the Dept. of Injustice (formerly the Dept. of Justice), launched an investigation and found President Biden guilty of gross incompetence and carelessness in the handling of classified information but magically waved their hands and declared that he was innocent of any crime by “reason of senility”.
In this exclusive interview, President Biden defends himself from these damning, but extremely accurate allegations.
“Mr. Biden, the DOJ says you mishandled classified documents from when you were Vice President.”
“What? Wait a damn minute! This is the first time I’m ever hearing of this! I was Vice President? Damn! My momma would’ve been so proud.”
“Mr. President, the DOJ report goes on to say, ‘you’re an affable, elderly gentleman with a failing memory.’”
What?
“They say you’re a nice, feeble, drooling, senile old man.”
“That’s a damn lie ! I’m not nice! I’ve NEVER been nice! Ask literally anyone who knows me!”
“Mr. President, the report calls into question whether you are competent to handle foreign policy. After all, you left tens of thousands of allies and billions of dollars behind for the enemy when you turned tail and ran from Afghanistan.”
“Yes.”
“You have let and continue to let millions of unvetted illegal migrants pour into our country.”
“Yes.”
“And even as we speak, you are running the Treasury printing press 24/7 to pour tons of money we don’t have into Ukraine so they can continue the stalemate with Russia while hanging our Israeli allies, who CAN win, out to dry – demanding that they surrender to terrorists…”
“Yeah, so what’s your point?”
“The point is that everything you do is directly opposed to the best interests of the United States.”
“Of course it is! But that’s not because I’m old and senile, it’s because I’m a democrat! I assure you that I’m just as incompetent on foreign policy now as I ever was!”
“Mr. President, the report says you don’t recall important historical events, places and people…”
“That’s a lie !!! I remember everything!!! I’m like one of those things with big ears and a long, long nose…
“A trunk?”
“Yes!”
“You’re like an elephant?!”
“Yes! Yes, you dimwit! That’s what I said ! My memory is as fit as a fiddlestick! I remember when the Iranians bombed Pearl Harbor! I was there !! I was on the deck of the USS Whatchamacallit on Dec 17, 1491. It was early Sunday morning, most of the men were just getting back from guard duty or performing in late Saturday night drag shows. Then the bombs started falling. The men were running, the mascara was running… It was terrible… The very next morning President Teddy Roosevelt declared war on Vietnam and France!”
“Uh huh”.
“And of course I remember the Alamo! I was there!!! Me, Davy Crockett, and that other guy from Miami Vice…Tubbs! See I got a great memory ! Oh yeah, those were the good old days…”
“Mr. President, quite bluntly, even if you somehow manage to serve out the remainder of this term, people do not want you to run for reelection. They say you’re too old.”
“They?! Who are they?!”
“The majority of the American people.”
“Oh, them! Don’t listen to them! Obviously, they’re a bunch of idiots! I mean they’re the ones who voted me into office in the first place!”
“Mr. President, most importantly with the world being on the brink of WWIII, there are concerns that you can no longer be trusted with the country’s nuclear secrets.”
The President muttered angrily under his breath, “I can’t be trusted…. how dare you!? Look, Sonny. I met directly with the father of the Atom bomb Dr. Robert J. Jingleheimer way back in 1948 and again just last week for an early bird dinner at Denny’s !! I can’t be trusted…. c’mon man, give me a break! I keep the nuclear launch codes perfectly safe and secure in a briefcase chained to my wrist! Look, they’re right here!”
President Biden then opened the case and started pushing buttons.
“Bravo 4 9 6 8 Delta 3 2 7, Tango 8 6…”
“Mr. President!!”
At this point the interview was terminated when Secret Service agents tackled the President, breaking the launch code sequence – and likely his hip.
