Satire City, USA – Now that transformative body mutilation has been mainstreamed by the transgender revolution, a new medically created breed (or inbreed or misbreed – depending on your own innate prejudices) joins the social justice revolution! The Trans-Down’s.
Doctors at leading hospitals who formerly were in the business of treating illnesses and finding cures for diseases (before they discovered that creating new classes of medically and surgically altered humans was more profitable), have announced through their spokesperson Dr. Butch R. Mengele, they have “kind of, sort of, well good enoughly” perfected techniques to alter the IQ and physical appearance of any person to that of a person who was born with the congenital, chromosomal defect of Down’s syndrome.
One of the first patients to undergo the procedure, 18-year-old John D. Moron told us the story of his courageous battle to obtain “non-comprehender-affirming care”.
“I was assigned normochromosomal at birth, but I always knew something was different about me. I was a slow learner in school but they kept me in regular classes because I looked like a regular kid so everyone thought I could learn like a regular kid.” His surgically altered eyes squinting with the memory of the pain or maybe from the effort of passing gas which loudly escaped from what he describes as his ‘poo-poo and doo-doo hole’.
“I was the child the “no child left behind” policy was made for. So while the mean, old teacher explained something to me for the 86th time, the other kids were bored out of their minds unable to learn anything until I caught up – which was never.”
He looked off into the distance wiping tears from his eyes and drool from his mouth before continuing, “In the school yard my classmates beat me up and called me a dumbass. In the cafeteria they would dump mystery meat into my underwear, give me a wedgie. Then they would march me to the bathroom…”
He shuttered causing undulating ripples through the fat implanted around his neck and upper back. He sobbed, “The first words I was able to read were “American Standard” because everyday my classmates repeatedly lifted and plunged my head into the swirling waters of the toilet for the rest of the lunch hour.”
While sobbing, John pulled a cookie from a nearby jar labelled ‘In Case of Emergency’ and put it in his mouth. He felt better and continued.
“Then one day, my life changed. I saw the kids in the special education class. They had Down’s syndrome, and no one was mean to them. When they didn’t know the answer, everyone was so loving and encouraging….they’d say, ‘2+2…. come on you can do it!’ No one laughed at them or called them retards or shot dripping spitballs into their ears! At that moment I came to the realization that I was just born into the wrong body. I was Trans- Downs!”
“So I scheduled the surgery and 6 months and 20 extremely expensive and excruciatingly painful procedures later – here I am ! Now when people look at me they can tell from my outside who I am on the inside.” He smiled broadly and wiped away tears of joy and drool. “I’ve never been happier !”
“No regrets?”
“No regrets !! Except maybe it would be nice if I didn’t drool so much…”
“So what have you done since transitioning to Down’s syndrome that you couldn’t have done before?”
“Oh my god, it’s been great ! I got over a 3 million followers on Social Media, I have a few million dollar endorsement deals from milk and cookie companies and I’ve become the number 1 ranked Special Olympic athlete!”
According to Dr. Mengele. “John’s success should serve as a model for the community. As a caring and concerned physician who sees this as a public mental health crisis and as an opportunity to make a boatload of money, I think every person with an IQ of under 75 should transition to Downs.”
This proposal is picking up traction. In what critics claim is yet another attempt to pander to mentally deficient voters, President Biden affirmed that it is a “civil and surgical right for every American to transition to Down’s syndrome.” He also added that the surgery he’s had to make himself look younger had the side benefit of also making him look like HE has Down’s syndrome. “I think they got my eyes exactly right”.
But the surgery is not just for people with low IQ.
15-year-old Tonya Thickskull also underwent the procedure despite having a low normal range IQ of 90.
“I failed a math test for the first time in my life because I was a bit confused, then I flunked 9th grade English and Social Studies tests because I was a bit depressed after I didn’t make the cheerleading squad. I was called to the counselor’s office, and I cried, told her I was confused and that I felt stupid. She told me I wasn’t stupid, that maybe I just identify as retarded and I may be Trans- Down’s. She gave me a cookie and I felt better. “
Tonya, breathing a sigh of relief, continued, “After a few hours of counseling at the For-Profit Children’s Hospital without my parents knowledge or permission, I consented to undergo an irreversible surgical procedure to remove half of my brain.”
“That’s a big decision for a 15-year-old to make. Were you absolutely sure you wanted to do it?”
“Well I figured any doubts I had would be removed when half of my brain came out….and I was right ! I feel great! Empowered ! I mean just because I wasn’t born with Down’s syndrome doesn’t mean that’s not who I am.”
“Yes, biologically and genetically speaking…that’s exactly what it means.”
“OMG !! How utterly offensive!! That is the most intolerant, hateful, bigoted thing I have ever heard!”
“I’m Sorry Tonya.”
“TT ! – I call myself TT now.”
“I’m sorry TT. I didn’t mean to offend you. I just mean to say that you started out with a low end of average IQ and have since had a large portion of your brain surgically removed. Has it ever occurred to you that you might be completely mistaken about all of this?”
“No!! Never! Trans-Down’s Pride !”
“Oh, OK. OK. Here, have a cookie.”
Transitioning to Down’s is also being advocated for a subset of people who have higher than average IQs. Matthew tells his story.
“I had an above average IQ of 135 but I was getting terrible grades in college. I was a Sociology major and just couldn’t understand the material my professors were presenting to me. I couldn’t understand how Capitalism was bad when it created the wealth to lift billions out of starvation and poverty; how Communism was good when it killed millions from starvation and/or execution… I couldn’t understand why there were over 60 gender identities and only 2 kinds of bathrooms….”
He wiped his tears and loudly blew his nose into a tissue.
“I was confused, depressed and flunking out when a college professor suggested to me that I may have a type of ‘non-comprehender dysphoria’ caused by the ability to perform independent critical thinking. He – sorry, I’m still confused – THEY told me I’d do better academically if I had 75% of my brain surgically removed and transitioned to Down’s.”
He stood up. “I thought about it and came to the logical and inescapable conclusion that THEY were full of SHIT ! I changed my major to Electrical Engineering, got straight A’s and graduated at the top of my class.”
“Any regrets?”
“Well, my social life sucks. I don’t make crazy money, but I get by OK, and as an engineer I’m a functioning and contributing member of society – for whatever that’s worth…”
