Satire City, CA – After a carefully controlled scientific laboratory study had proven that red Skittles increase the incidence of cancer in Guinea pigs, California Governor Navin Grewsome decided to take immediate and heroic action to save the lives of Californians by banning the candy Skittles and to save the lives of Guinea pigs by banning all future scientific laboratory studies.
According to Dr. PETA Hader, Professor of Research and Animal Abuse at UC Bovine, “We force fed each rodent 250 packages of red Skittles every day and by the end of the year, all of them were dead!”
“All of them died !? From cancer?”
“Well, all of them developed cancer but most of them died from choking to death on Skittles.”
Not everyone Is happy with the new lifesaving legislation, the ban on Skittles is being referred to by LGBTQ activists (who have to make everything about them) as the “Don’t say Rainbow law”.
The two largest national candy lobbies – People Ingesting Garbage (PIG), and Fedup Americans for Tasty Abundant Sugary Snacks (FATASS), have sued the state of California claiming the law is discriminatory against “People of Size” (formerly known as Pigs and Fatasses).
According to their attorney – Sue E., “This law disproportionately targets the morbidly obese who make up 40% of the population but eat 98% of the state’s candy, cookies and brownies.”
The California Supreme Court struck down the challenge as NOT being disproportionate or discriminatory as the morbidly obese eat 98% of the state’s junk food but also make up 98% of Californians by weight.
Another recent study from Damnford Medical school Dept. of Pediatrics found, what they reported as, “the smoking gun”. That 100% of cancer patients were at one time babies who ate baby food. As a result, Governor Grewsome has also taken bold action in signing legislation to make baby food makers test for cancer causing trace metals.
The baby food manufacturers insist the metals are not coming from their ingredients or manufacturing process but are being introduced into the baby food while the parents are walking home from the grocery store and inevitably get hit in the face with a crowbar or grazed by bullets.
Considering these grave carcinogenic consequences, Governor Grewsome is therefore also mandating that manufacturers lower the metal content of crowbars, icepicks, hammers, and bullets.
According to California Attorney General Scott Free, “Since using the police to enforce the laws against taking drugs, stealing, raping and killing is systemically racist, we have repurposed our police and SWAT teams to set up roadblocks and prevent contraband from entering the state.”
“Guns? Fentanyl? Illegal immigrant gang members and terrorists?”
“No, of course not! We’re stopping the flow of the really bad stuff- Bananas, Skittles and baby food.
Another study funded by the NIH has found, what they reported as, “the smoking, bloody dagger”. That 100% of cancer patients in California were exposed to and many were actually breathing the carcinogen known as CCA (Cancer Causing Air) or known everywhere outside of California as air.
As part of the Nanny state’s new sweeping legislation, air is to be phased out of California by 2035. Engineers at Cal-Hek are working on the design of a biodome for the state that will be airtight though not racist as it will still allow for the unimpeded inflow of illegal immigrants.
According to California’s Jackboot wearing Surgeon General (whose nose is pierced, hair is purple and whose race and gender is unknown and unknowable), Dr. Ewell Comply, “Starting in January 2024, Mandatory State sponsored classes with certified free divers will train Californians how to hold their breath for increasing periods of time so that by the deadline in 2035, no one will need to breathe at all.”
He, she, they, whatever it is, also said, “The ultimate goal for California is to get the mortality rate from all forms of cancer to zero and ensure that Californians only die from state approved natural and organic causes like dehydration, starvation, suffocation and being murdered by criminals.
