Satire City, DC – On the heels of his executive actions to lift the ‘Remain in Mexico’ rule which flung open the southern border and his executive orders to relieve billions of dollars of student debt, President Joe Biden has announced new sweeping executive orders which unilaterally change the US Constitution’s Bill of Rights.
After years of Democrats protesting against the First Amendment’s protection of free speech and the Second Amendments protection of the right to bear arms, President Biden has issued executive orders striking down both the first and second amendments- sacrificing Americans most cherished freedoms in order to, in his words, “save democracy”.
The President has also re-written the third Amendment. While it still prohibits the government from forcing homeowners to quarter soldiers in their homes, it now mandates that all public spaces such as schools, parks and airports shall be forced to quarter illegal immigrants.
The fourth through the tenth amendments which mostly have to do with the government ensuring justice under law, fair trials and protection against excessive punishments (rights which have already been suspended for Donald Trump) have now been suspended for the rest of us “unfairly privileged”, hardworking, tax-paying, (god forbid) English speaking citizens.
President Biden (who now lives in his own world of dementia and megalomania – prefers to be called “King BFD”- Biden the First of Delaware) and has followed New York City’s lead to outlaw use of the “dehumanizing and offensive terms” “alien” and “illegal immigrant” to refer to undocumented immigrants. By Presidential decree, from now on all undocumented immigrants will be referred to as – “Persons Awaiting Legalization” – PALs.
Also instead of using the demeaning, prejudicial term “thug” to describe the increasing number of violent, South and Central American gang members plaguing our streets – they are now to be called, “Benevolent Unionized Drug Dealing Youth – BUDDYs.
Likewise, the highly offensive, xenophobic slur used to denigrate those who want to violently kill us all – “foreign terrorist” will be replaced with the less judgmental, more inclusive term “Fanatical Reactionaries Intent on Effectuating Numerous Deaths”- FRIENDs.
While only several states allow illegal immigrants to obtain a license to drive, the new decrees will nevertheless give migrants free license to drive drunk, rape, rob, deal drugs and beat up police officers. In the unlikely event that they get arrested, they will also be issued laminated cards which read “Get out of Jail Free – by decree of King BFD!”
When asked about the recent incident where police officers in NYC were brutally beaten by migrants, I mean PALs – Presidential Press secretary Kareen van Damn responded, “Oh, that was just a cultural misunderstanding. Soccer is the most popular sport in the rest of the world and it just so happens that a soccer ball looks remarkably like the head of an NYPD police officer.”
“”Uh-huh”
“Yes. So to your average intolerant, racist American, what looked like an immigrant brutally kicking a police officer in the head was actually just a migrant thinking they scored a game winning goal!”
“Great, thanks for clearing that up…
“You’re welcome and speaking of end game – we’re just trying to enshrine in the constitution what anyone who has been paying attention has known for quite some time- that average, everyday Americans are now second-class citizens to non-citizens.”
“Great. Thanks for clearing THAT up…’
“You’re welcome”
“So is it true that President Biden…”
“King BFD”
“That he…”
“They”
“Is it true that the senile old coot in the White House is going to let the migrants vote?
“Yes. According to Decree #7,853 signed by the President, his Majesty, this morning with a big yellow X written in crayon.”
“That’s outrageous! What gives immigrants the right to choose our leaders?”
“Oh, you misunderstand. He’s giving them the right to vote. Not the right to choose. You see, many migrants are coming from countries like North Korea, China and former Soviet Republics and are not accustomed to having more than one party, or more than one candidate on the ballot. Since having to choose between candidates is culturally insensitive and confusing, migrant ballots will have only ONE candidate – the Democrat candidate who believes in democracy of course.”
“And according to the decree, which migrants will be eligible to vote?”
“All of them. Ten times each.”
“That’s outrageous! You are disenfranchising the American voter!”
“Disenfranchising!? Wow! That’s an awfully big word for an Insurrectionist.”
