Satire City, DC – After sentencing the January 6th rioters to decades in prison for entering the Capitol building and causing thousands of dollars’ worth of damage, (as opposed to the members of Congress who have since lawfully entered the building and passed spending bills causing BILLIONS of dollars’ worth of damage), Schmuck Chumer, Senate Majority leader has unilaterally suspended the 200 year old “no monsters” rule to allow Senator John Fetterman access to the chamber.
According to Schmuck, “To be honest, for the first time in my life, none of us are sure WHAT he is. We’re not entirely sure John is a monster, but we ARE sure he IS a monstrosity, and we want to err on the side of caution.” He further went on to justify the move as ‘bipartisan’ stating, “Hey, if the Republicans in Florida want to elect the ‘Swamp Thing’ to the Senate, we’d be OK with that.”
Republicans nevertheless opposed the rule change stating “Unlike John Fetterman, the January 6th rioters who entered the Capitol – even the one wearing a horned helmet, fur pelt and painted face, were at least recognizably human”.
Schmuck Chumer however insisted that in welcoming “the honorable Senator from the great state of Transylvania, I mean Pennsylvania, the Senate is being more inclusive to the average American, many of whom, like John, are mentally ill, inarticulate, ill-mannered slobs who look and act like they were just unstrapped from a slab in Dr. Frankenstein’s lab.”
Yet even after relaxing the dress code to the point where homeless crack addicts are comfortably living in tents pitched in the aisle of the Senate floor, Senator Fetterman still refuses to step into the Senate chamber preferring to stand at the door and occasionally opening it for other senators who he greets with a leer and the question, “You rang?”
One political analyst doesn’t blame John for having the stage presence of a B actor in a 60’s horror sitcom.
“As an otherwise reprehensible heterosexual, cisgender, white man he had to do something to gain the acceptance of his fellow Democrats. What better way than to adopt the public persona of an unhygienic, brain-damaged, homeless person?”
But there are other reasons Democrats love John Fetterman.
1- His opposition to global warming.
Given his well-known aversion to fire, John is violently opposed to burning coal, oil or anything else. As he so eloquently stated in one of his most dramatic and coherent speeches on the campaign trail, “Fire! Bad !!!” He then dove beneath a conference table, wrapped himself in a fireproof blanket, softly sobbed and soothed himself by stroking the bolts on his neck.
He also would have curled into a fetal position but he knew that would have encouraged his fellow Democrats to try to kill him.
2- His Transgender agenda.
John Fetterman’s very existence proves the Democratic talking point that men can have babies as he is obviously the love child of Lurch and Uncle Fester.
3- He is a mumbling, lumbering billboard for the merits of abortion.
Said one Republican Senator who chose to remain anonymous since he knew his comments would be misinterpreted as insensitive rather than factual… “It used to be that the only way a guy like Fetterman could draw a crowd is when they were carrying torches and pitchforks and chasing him through the streets.”
Another anonymous Republican Senator added, “Yeah, those were the good ol’ days…”
It’s one thing to elect a Senator who then becomes brain damaged after he assumes the office (as was the case with Republican John McCain whose brain damage was so profound toward the end that he began to gleefully vote on the side of the Democrats). It’s another to elect a known mentally challenged person to the office which begs the question – Who is more brain damaged? Fetterman or the voters of Pennsylvania?
The voters actually chose Fetterman over Dr. Oz ! Dr. Oz who is not a doctor like Dr. Jill Biden but a REAL doctor who spent four years in a REAL medical school. Fetterman fans however are quick to point out that John Fetterman also spent years in medical school or more accurately, in the anatomy labs of several medical schools (before his parts were sewn together and then animated by a bolt of lightning).
Now that the Glass ceiling of the capitol dome has been broken by a flat headed monster, others are quick to follow in his huge sunken footsteps.
In the next step toward radical inclusion, Schmuck Chumer has announced that in order to make John Fetterman feel more comfortable, the Senate will mandate all other members to dress like their favorite character from the 60’s horror genre sitcoms The Addams family or the Munsters.
Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell opposes the plan as he would prefer to dress up as an “old-aged mutant ninja turtle” or more fittingly, given his recent lapses in speech, the Batman series villain “Mr. Freeze”.
Meanwhile former fat Governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie (clarification – formerly Governor, currently still fat), has finally figured out that the ice cream cone in his hand has a better chance in hell than he has of being elected President and has dropped out of the Presidential race. Christie is embracing the new senate rule and is now setting his sights on running for BOTH of New Jersey’s Senate seats (because he can’t fit in just one).
“If elected to serve in the Senate I will dress up as Pugsley Addams and make the people of New Jersey damn proud!”
Alexandria OC is rumored to be wearing her hair in braided pigtails and considered to be a shoo-in for election as Senator ‘Wednesday’ from New York.
Any male senator who still insists on wearing a normal suit and tie (aside from being ostracized as “monsterphobic”) will be handed a fake moustache and cigar and considered to be Gomez Addams. Any monsterphobic female senator who insists on wearing decent and respectable attire will be considered to be dressing as Marilyn Munster.
