Satire City, NY – After the Biden Administration’s recent humiliating trades with:
Russia – Where the US traded arms dealer and America-hating “Merchant of Death” Viktor Bout for tattooed arms, America-hating Britney Griner.
Iran – Where the US traded 5 Iranian prisoners and 6 BILLION dollars for 5 American hostages and a stick of stale bubble gum.
Afghanistan – Where the US traded the Taliban 7.1 BILLION dollars’ worth of military equipment and whatever was left of our dignity for nothing but utter humiliation.
The Biden administration has finally bested a foreign adversary by trading South and Central America only 1 person – NYC mayor Eric Adams for 2.4 million illegal immigrants so far this year (plus another roughly 8,000 a day).
Said the lead negotiator on the Biden team, in anticipation of a tough negotiation, I had called the Treasury department to print up 10 billion dollars and load them onto a C-130 transport plane to Tijuana but before I had a chance to offer it they already agreed to take Mayor Adams.
I also offered former Chicago mayor Lori Lightfoot but they said, and I believe their exact words were, “No way Jose”. She would be a deal breaker.
Biden’s team even tried to “sweeten the deal” and get rid of a potential competitor by offering California Governor Gavin Newsom to several Central and South American countries but they declined stating he was “greasier than a day old chimichanga.”
When Mayor Adams arrived In Mexico City he was amazed at how clean and quiet it was considering Mexico was now basically devoid of Mexicans. After wandering the barren streets populated by the occasional tumble weed for over an hour he was greeted by a lonely mustached figure wearing a sash. It was the mayor of Mexico City who warmly greeted mayor Adams by embracing him, kissing him on both cheeks, presenting him with the key to the abandoned city and then hurriedly running to catch a seat on the roof of the last bus leaving for the border.
Not only has Mayor Adams left the city due to the invasion, but last night for the first time in 137 years NY harbor went dark as the Statue of Liberty slipped across the border to a safe house in New Jersey.
According to Lady Liberty “You know things are bad if New Jersey is looking good!”
After lighting a cigarette with her torch and taking a long drag to calm her nerves she continued, “Where are these people coming from and what are they doing to my city?! I promised the poor and huddled masses yearning to breathe free liberty. That’s it! You come here and you get treated like everyone else! Well, I got news for you new immigrants! Everyone else has to work! Everyone else has to pay rent and for healthcare!”
Standing straight up, smoothing the wrinkles from her copper dress and regaining her composure, she continued, “I’m Lady Liberty! Throughout history I never promised anybody, anything else. Anyone who tells you differently is more full of crap than the East River which takes some doing as the United Nations spews tons of BS into it every day!”
Her eyes aglow with the light of the setting sun, “I wear a crown. I’m not wearing a hair net to serve up grub in a soup kitchen. I’m holding up a torch to light the way, not to cook free food for you. In my other hand I’m carrying a book of Liberty. Sorry, not sorry! But my hands are full! When you are here you are free – to take care of yourselves!!”
Seemingly unaware that he was traded, Mayor Adams made his way back to NYC and went straight to work.
The Mayor’s office proudly announced that just in time for Halloween, the city has passed a new entitlement law guaranteeing a new bicycle, 25 pounds of candy and a $500 PF 5 gaming system to every kid who comes trick or treating in NYC. The mayor’s office has also announced that next week, Mayor Adams will be traveling to all 50 states telling kids NOT to come trick or treating in NYC.
