Satire City, VA – For over two years, Capitol Power and Light serving Metropolitan Washington, DC has been generating electricity from the constant motion of the late Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg vigorously rolling in her grave.
According to CPL field supervisor Friedrich Power, “We initially came out to Arlington National cemetery back in September 2020 shortly after she was buried. Her grave was still fresh, and we were called out to investigate rhythmic thumping sounds coming from the ground. We got out the backhoe dug down to the coffin, lifted the lid and sure enough, RBG was rolling in her grave at a clip of about 10 RPM. We didn’t think much of it at the time, after all, it even took George H.W. Bush a few weeks to settle down.”
He took a gulp of his Energy drink and continued, “Then a month later when Trump appointee, Amy Coney Barrett took her place on the Supreme Court, RBG started spinning at over 100 RPM. She was making such a racket we had to do something. We tied her to a rotating shaft just trying to keep her from hitting the sides of the coffin when a light bulb went off. If she’s gonna be spinning that fast, we may as well hook her up to a generator. So that’s what we did, and then we ‘jury-rigged’ high voltage wires into the city.”
He proudly guzzled the remainder of his drink, crushed the can and threw it on a pile in the corner. “Yup, right out of the gate, at 100 RPM, RBG was generating about 50 Kilowatts of free quiet, green energy – enough to power 38 homes. Everything was going great until that fateful day – Friday, June 24, 2022.
“What happened on that day?”
“Oh, that’s the day Roe v Wade was overturned. I’ll never forget. I was sitting at the Control Console when the warning lights started buzzing and got brighter than a thousand suns. Then the bulbs burst, the power lines melted, the transformers exploded and every circuit breaker on the east coast popped from the huge power surge created when RBG started spinning at 1000 RPM.”
“I had no idea…”
“Yeah, after the ‘Poltergeist Blackout’ we had to rewire everything to handle the higher power load but now she’s reliably generating 500 Kilowatts of electricity or enough to power the White House, the Smithsonian and the US Treasury Department Printing Press.”
“Very impressive.”
“Yes, but ultimately, we would really like her to retire our carbon spewing, coal burning power plant. To do that we need her to generate one Gigawatt of electricity which means we need to get RBG to spin at 2 million RPM.”
“Is that even physically possible?”
“Well, it would require massive amounts of lubricant and coolant to keep the rotating shaft and gears from overheating causing her robes and coffin to burst into flames, likely setting the entire cemetery on fire while she melted down into the earth’s core but – it’s worth a try.”
“You’re actually going to try?”
“You bet. Considering she was such a staunch proponent of women’s rights, our engineers figure that to get her to spin THAT fast we will likely need to get the Supreme Court to say it’s constitutional for a woman to be forced to make coffee for her male co-workers while being patronizingly slapped or predatorily patted on the butt and earning a meager salary of one nickel for every dollar that a man or a trans-woman makes.”
“That sounds pretty harsh…”
“Yeah, it would be bad for women across the country but it would be great for our CPL customers and the environment!”
