Barely Breathing but Still Running!

Satire City, GA – Back in February 2023, former President Jimmy Carter had released an announcement that due to his declining health he had “entered hospice care”.

Following this announcement, thousands of tributes, accolades, and eulogies came pouring in for the former President prompting him to immediately issue a second announcement, “I’m not dead yet.” 

In the following days, weeks and then months of “not being dead” the 98-year-old former President has been watching and taking encouragement from the mental incapacitation of Pennsylvania Senator / Stroke victim John Fetterman, the physical and mental deterioration of 81-year-old Mitch McConnell and the actual physical decomposition of 90-year-old Senator Dianne Feinstein. 

At the urging of his 95-year-old wife Rosalynn who wants to live (anywhere above ground but preferably) in the White House again, and who also desperately wants to become America’s first Great-Grandma so she could be addressed as “Dr. MeeMawsMaw”, the former President and brain surgery patient, 98 year old, terminally ill Jimmy Carter (who is nevertheless eligible for a second Presidential term) has made the shocking decision to take himself off of hospice care to run for President.  

When asked if her husband is fit for the Presidency, she insisted that “he is” and added, “more than he ever was”. 

Rosalynn (who has unfortunately been recently diagnosed with dementia) also insists that her Jimmy’s run for the Presidency is no more delusional than Mike Pence’s, a point with which most political pundits agree. 

Following consultation with close personal advisors from his first presidency nearly 50 years ago, (many of whom could only be contacted on Ouija boards), Jimmy Carter will decide whether he will finally kick the bucket or kick off his Presidential campaign with the slogan, “This time I’m taking America with me!”