Satire City, VA – It now seems impossible that previous generations of children put dirty, grubby handfuls of M&Ms into their mouths without once stopping to give a thought to tooth decay or what each of the M&Ms sexual orientation was.
Hell, previous generations of children (with or without their mouths full of candy) didn’t give a lot of thought as to what their own sexual orientation was – not because it was taboo, and their choices were limited, but because – they were children.
As children they were innocent and blissfully ignorant of such things. If asked which of the M&Ms they thought were boys and which were girls, a thoughtful, mischievous child may have said, “That’s easy – the peanut M&Ms are boys because they got nuts.” Ha, ha – hard to argue with that logic…
Fast forward 80 years and M&Ms rolled out ‘Purple’ – the first ever peanut M&M spokescandy who they say – is female. An M&M with nuts who is female. Can we be more obvious about this? Evidently Purple is the world’s first transgender candy.
She (and her covered up, possibly tucked in, nut) is being mixed with the Green and Brown M&M (who have previously been outed as a lesbian couple) into a specially marked “all female” package.
According to the candy company, Purple, who prefers the pronoun “she” (another tip off), is the new M&Ms Spokescandy and “has been designed to represent acceptance and inclusivity.”
To understand the purpose of “Purple”, we posed the following questions to the new “spokescandy”.
“Ms. Purple, nice to = Wow! – you look a lot bigger and hairier in person… Just want to ask for the record that you state you are a female.”
“Yes.”
“And, for the record, you have nuts.”
“Yes.”
“Umm, anything else you want to tell us?”
“Yes. I’m proud to be an American where I’m free to decide that I am a female with nuts and you are free to decide whether you want to eat me.”
“OK, Fair enough.”
“Ms Purple, if this “all female” candy package is full of lesbians and trans women with nuts – how inclusive is that”?
“She” batted her eyelashes, smiled and in a raspy voice said, “As inclusive as we want it to be.”
“Umm – I thought inclusive means to include – everyone.”
“I’m so sorry for the misunderstanding sweet cheeks”, she said while hiking her skirt up and scratching her nut, “but inclusive means whatever we want it to mean.”
“So inclusive means you keep out people who are not like you”?
“Let me explain”, “She” said while leaning forward to seductively whisper in my ear (while tickling it with her moustache), “Words are like those skinny balloons the clowns use to make cute little animals. They can be stretched and twisted into anything we want them to be!”
“Words can’t mean anything. They have to mean something. Something specific that everyone understands or else they don’t mean anything.”
She crossed her legs over her nut and said sweetly, “I don’t understand.”
“What I’m saying is what you’re saying is crazy – and you’re probably completely unaware of how crazy it is because under the colorful flamboyant shell and chocolate, you are just a complete unadulterated NUT !”
Taking a long drag on her cigarette she leaned back, looked me directly in the eye and calmly stated, “I’ll admit, I’ve had some mental health issues. But it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with the way I think.”
“Yes, it does. It means exactly that.”
Her painted eyes blazed with anger as she snuffed out the cigarette on her hairy forearm and yelled, “I don’t appreciate these ad hominem attacks”!
“It’s not an ad hominem attack! It can’t be – You’re not a person – you are a candy coated; chocolate covered peanut.”
Calming down she replied, “Yes, and you‘re the one who is talking to me. What does that say about your mental health?”
“OK, you got me there, but in my defense – I didn’t make you spokescandy. I’m just a journalist playing the cards I’ve been dealt. Speaking of which, let’s cut to the chase – the main thing everyone wants to know is this – do you and your friends want to make people Gay and Trans?”
“Well sugar loins, yes, yes, of course we do, but that’s not all. We also want to make our parent company lots of money ! I mean say what you want about us, but at least we’re not Communists!”
“Nice to know. OK Purple, other than money, and to make everyone Gay and Trans, what’s in it for you and the other M&Ms, what do you want?”
She got very quiet and pensive. Shifting uncomfortably in her seat she said, “We just want to find a safe space from the straight, white M&Ms.”
She turned her painted eyes upward and continued dreamily. “A place where we can be our – uninhibited selves”.
She then straightened her legs, rubbed her outer thighs, arched her back and let out a long, deep sigh. “A dark warm place where we can roll on top of each other, rub up against each other’s hard wet bodies and get all hot and sticky !!”
Panting as she continued, “A place where we can come out of our saliva-soaked shells and melt together into an orgasmic pile of satisfyingly sweet goo – Oh Yes, Yess, Yesssssss !!!!!!”, she screamed in ecstasy as she fell to the floor soaked in sweat.
“Wow, where’s that place?” I asked.
She lifted herself off the floor, smoothed her dress, and said, “Your mouth.”
