Satire City, CA – California, Oregon and Washington state have finally had enough immigrants!! At least of the bug-eyed, feathered variety.
According to environmentalists, barred (hoot) owls, native to the eastern United States have been coming to the western states and “stealing” the land of their indigenous, endangered and (most importantly) federally protected cousins – the spotted owls.
California Governor, Navin Gruesome announced plans to construct an 888 mile long and one-mile-high net along the Eastern border with Nevada and Arizona. “We need to protect our native owls from these illegal immigrant owls! If the owls want to get into California, they’ll have to walk across the southern border like everyone else!”
According to Hugh Hugatree, President of Stop Hoot Owls Overtaking Every Mile (SHOOT EM), “For decades we’ve battled against development, logging and oil pipelines, all to preserve the pristine habitat of our sacred spotted owl and for what? For the hoot owls to swoop in and colonize their land?! Not on my watch!”
“What are you going to do about it?”
“Me? Nothing, but in the name of maintaining diversity, inclusion and equity – The Biden administration has come up with a humane, environmentally friendly solution to remove the invading hoot owls and return the habitat to its rightful inhabitants.”
“What’s that?”
“Hire sharpshooters to blow their freaking hoot owl bird brains out!” *
“The government is going to kill all the hoot owls in California?”
“No – just 500,000 of them…”
“They are going to kill 500,000 innocent civilian Hoot owls in cold blood?”
“Hey, when the land is occupied, resistance is justified.”
“It’s not the Hoot owls’ fault that they are better hunters and need less land to survive than spotted owls. Aren’t Californians supposed to ‘believe in science’? Darwin? Survival of the fittest? The most adaptable survive? By killing the fitter species, aren’t you thwarting nature’s plan?”
“No. We’re leveling the playing field. We are preventing extinction and maintaining diversity.”
“I see, so hypothetically, if two basketball teams are playing each other and the more talented visiting team is beating the home team on their home turf…”
“Then the government should of course level the playing field by hiring sharpshooters and placing them in the stands so when the visiting team starts winning, they can shoot a few of their players. Y’know, to keep things fair and equitable.”
