Satire City, IA – After acquiring 10% of the domestic computer chip manufacturer Intel for 5.7 billion dollars, the Trump administration has announced it has made another “great investment for the American people”, by acquiring 30% of Pucker up! a local lemonade stand in Davenport, Iowa run by 11-year-old Timmy Givens for only $1.8 billion dollars.
According to the federal government’s newest pint-sized business partner, Pucker Up! boasts a quarterly operating profit of $47.25 representing a 500% increase in revenue from the last quarter.
“Timmy, how did you get CHIPs Act funding for your lemonade stand?”
“Well, we’re not just a lemonade stand, we also manufacture and sell chips.”
“Chips?”
“Yes.”
“Microchips?”
“Yes.”
Computer microchips?
Timmy cautiously looks from side to side and whispers, “Actually they’re potato microchips.”
“Potato microchips?”
“Yeah, I buy a bag of regular potato chips and smash them on the sidewalk. It makes me eligible for government assistance, and it makes our customers thirsty, so they buy more lemonade.”
“That’s pretty smart.”
“Hey, I didn’t make the Forbes ‘12 billionaires under 12’ list for nothing.”
“Now that the government is your business partner have they done anything to help your business?”
“Well last week they sent a National Guard armored vehicle to level the playing field.”
“Leveling the playing field? How did that help you?”
“Well, they knocked down my competitor, Jimmy’s lemonade stand which was alongside the playing field.”
“Jimmy, what do you say to the people who think the government shouldn’t become ownership partners in private companies?”
“I agree. I like the old way better. Last year, the Biden administration just outright gave me 2 billion dollars and I didn’t have to give them anything.”
