Satire City, TX – Founded by over 200 SpaceX employees on over 350 acres of SpaceX owned land in Texas, the new town of Starbase may not have a post office, a supermarket, a library or a public restroom but it’s got the most powerful rocket launch and recovery facility in the solar system.
Clearly impressed with his little town’s big accomplishments, Mayor Gopher Lifttoff said, “There are only four governments in the world capable of launching intercontinental ballistic missiles. The United States, Russia, China and Starbase!” He then proudly held up a suitcase handcuffed to his wrist containing the launch codes and shouted, “Don’t mess with Texas!”
While the town is currently rugged, the Phase 1 expansion will include luxury beachside housing for Elon’s baby mamas.
According to Elon Musk’s Chief Baby Mama Wrangler, Kip M. Quiet, “They’ll have multimillion dollar mansions with sweeping views of the Gulf of America, extravagant bedrooms to host the occasional unannounced conjugal visit from the boss, luxury self-driving Teslas (which are geo restricted to the Starbase) and Optimus robot servants to wait on them and their random letter and number generator named children. Unlike other residents who will have free blue checked X accounts, the baby mamas will most certainly NOT have access to X (Twitter), nor to cell phones, land lines, telegraphs, flashlights, smoke signals – or any other means of communication to the outside world.
Starbase is also building a school whose no-nonsense mission is to create the future. By age 5, students will be expected to have mastered Reading, Writing, Arithmetic, Algebra and Partial Differential Equations so they will be prepared for the kindergarten curriculum of Astronomy, Rocket Science, Nuclear Physics , Particle Physics and Relativistic Astrophysics.
By the age of 6, kids (with IQ’s of less than 150) who flunk out, will still help to usher in the future, (mostly by getting out of its way).
They will be (short) bussed out of town to get their education in electric automobile assembly and will spend weekends, holidays and summers doing unpaid internships helping their skilled robotic co-workers at Tesla factories (until they prove themselves completely useless and are invariably, tragically and ‘accidentally’ crushed to death on the assembly line).
This practice of limiting the new town’s residents to those who can be useful, productive members of society has raised grave concerns among out of town, out of touch and just generally out of their minds democrats who asked the following questions at the city’s recent town hall meeting.
“Mr. Mayor, who is going to push innocent people in front of the town’s hyperloop subway?”
“Uh, no one.”
“Who will distribute needles to the towns drug addicts?”
“Uh, the town doesn’t have any drug addicts.”
“Mr. Mayor, will you be cooperating with federal authorities from ICE to deport undocumented immigrants?”
“No. We plan to shoot them directly into space….”
“Mr. Mayor, if and when you get to Mars, do you plan to exploit the planet’s natural resources and oppress the indigenous people of green color?”
“Well, that question is a bit off topic but – yes, of course. That’s kind of the point of the whole thing… ”
