Satire City, USA – Last week Elon Musk and his free speech social media platform X (formerly Twitter) were accused of being antisemitic for, well basically just allowing free speech.
And as any antisemitism that does not originate from the left is deemed unacceptable, advertisers began a boycott including such stalwart defenders and friends of the Jews such as:
Coca-Cola – which in 2022 reportedly hosted an Earth Day event with a Democrat who says Jews control the weather.*
IBM – which reportedly played a pivotal role in providing the actual Nazis with actual technology to actually exterminate millions of Jews.**
Disney – which is rumored to have stopped production of its highly anticipated “Snow White and the Intifada”, not because the Jewish dwarf actors were being beheaded and burned, but only because the gay dwarf actors were getting thrown off castle rooftops.
When asked if he would apologize to these hypocritical, yet self-righteous advertisers, the X CEO exercised his right to “free” speech (even if it costs him millions of dollars in ad revenue) by famously and shockingly telling his former advertisers to “F*#k themselves”.
Now that the initial shock, hurt feelings and inflamed passions have had a chance to settle down, Elon Musk admits that “that remark may not have been helpful.”
In an exclusive very fake interview, the world’s richest potty-mouthed, entrepreneurial genius said he would like to set the record straight and clarify what he really meant.
A contrite Elon Musk began by stating, “I am sorry I told them to F*#k themselves.” He let out a deep remorseful sigh and continued, “Any ill-tempered eighth grader could have said that. As an experienced engineer, I of all people should have known better. It’s not very helpful to tell people to do something without giving them a proper set of instructions and the necessary equipment.”
“Wait, what?”
“Therefore I will immediately rectify the situation by providing them, and when I say them, I am referring specifically to those who should go F*#k themselves, a device specifically designed for the purpose of F*#king themselves with detailed, easy to follow, step by step instructions and helpful illustrations on exactly – how they should F*#k themselves, how often they should F*#k themselves and how hard they should F*#k themselves!”
“Seriously?!”
“Seriously.” Here’s the instruction manual.”
“It’s 557 pages!!”
“Well, it’s written in 56 different languages and in Braille so I’m not accused of discriminating against the blind bastards who should be f*#king themselves too.”
Opening the book.
Step 1- ‘Before initiating any physical contact, obtain written consent from yourself’ “I see you have a nice, dotted line to sign on.”
“Wasn’t my idea, the “me too” crowd made me put that in.”
Step 2 – ‘Buy yourself a nice meal’. “Elon? Why?”
“Hey, just because I want them to F*#k themselves doesn’t mean I want them to do it on an empty stomach.
“Oh, how very thoughtful of you…”
“Yeah, well besides, they’re going to need to spend their money before they get to step 78 which is where they are instructed on how to take all the $100 bills that they would have spent advertising on X, rolling them into a tight wad, lubricating the orifice of their choice and…”
“Wait! Wait let me guess!!”
“Yes! F*#k themselves with it!! And the best part is – when they are done, everyone will be as interested in taking their money as I am.”
“What if, they would love to do as you suggest, but they don’t want to violate federal law by defacing or debasing the currency?”
“Then they can skip to Step 87 and use the provided device to go F*#k themselves.”
“I will likely regret asking this question, but as a reporter the public has a right to know. What can you tell me about this, device?”
“Gladly…I have reassigned a Team of Space X rocket scientists and engineers to the task of designing, testing and manufacturing the perfect Battery Powered, Autoerotic, Erogenous Drone.”
“A what?”
“In layman’s terms? A dildo.”
“A dildo?”
“Not just any dildo. I mean, this isn’t your grandmother’s dildo”
“Thanks for the visual.”
“It’s a high-tech dildo of the future. A super-penetrating, stainless steel dildo.”
“Uh huh”
“We’re calling it a CyberF*#k.”
“OK. Well, you are nothing if not consistent..”
“Yeah, speaking of which, Jeff Bezos is suing me for copyright infringement because, as it turns out, the most advanced ergonomic and aerodynamic design for a device optimized to F*#k oneself looks EXACTLY like a scaled down version of Blue Origin’s New Shepard rocket.”
“Speaking as a layman, I can see that.”
“Oh, and I have a special offer for one lucky advertising executive who thinks boycotting me is a good idea. I’m reserving the best seat in the house to my next rocket launch. It’s a hollowed out seat with built-in butt cheek spreader suspended from the launch tower that dangles directly over the tip of a lubricated Falcon 9 rocket. I’m calling the mission: Destination Your-anus.”
