Satire City, FL – Last week in the dead of night, the Republican super-majorities in the Florida House and Senate – taking inspiration from other principled regimes such as Nazi Germany and the Taliban – voted to outright, outlaw abortion.
Then under the cloak of darkness, Governor DeSantis took time away from his busy schedule of banning rainbow-colored books from public school libraries and mud wrestling with “the mouse” to unceremoniously sign the bill into law.
After bravely voting for the bill (which also named the Stork Florida’s official bird), the Florida State legislators and Governor then reverted back to paying homage to their other favorite bird, the ostrich, by burying their heads in the beautiful white sand beaches to avoid seeing the wrath of their constituents.
According to the text of the new law – the only way a pregnant woman (or presumably one of those pregnant men we keep hearing about) could get an abortion after 6 weeks in the state of Florida is if they could prove the pregnancy was a result of either rape or incest.
In the case of incest the pregnant person must:
1 – “provide documentation which could prove recent travel and seedy hotel accommodations utilized to facilitate immoral, unnatural, disgusting and/or otherwise egregious and repulsive sexual relations with your relations such as cousin, uncle, daddy or grandpa in Odd, West Virginia (actually anywhere in West Virginia is good enough)”.
OR
2 – Provide a sworn statement from their brother that reads, “after drinking several of those beers that makes people gender confused – I got drunk and went into my sister’s bedroom to try on her bra, panties and stockings when, all of a sudden, Sis woke up ! She jumped on top of me and tried to take her lipstick and body lotion out of my hands. Well sometime during this half naked wrestling match, I got really turned on and uh, I, uh, accidentally impregnated her.”
In the case of rape the pregnant person must:
1- “Provide a sworn statement from a local motorcycle gang and responsible pool hall owner attesting that the weekend festivities got “a little out of hand” and provide kit results which affirm the presence of DNA from at-least ten gang members”.
OR
2- “Provide cell phone tower records that could prove that at the moment of conception, they were within a one-mile radius of Bill Cosby or Harvey Weinstein”.
Alternatively, (as the Border wall along the Okefenokee swamp has not yet been completed), pregnant people could still choose to escape the ‘Free state of Florida’ on a long weekend to New York or California for a “spa treatment” that includes a relaxing rejuvenating mineralizing mud bath, a soothing sterile sugar date polish body scrub and a stirrups embracing – bright light therapy with cold steel uterine exfoliation.
Said one irate progressive, college-educated, cisgender woman, “This is a nightmare! It’s bad enough that I have to bring my small children out of state to watch drag shows. Now if I get pregnant again, I’m going to have to choose between leaving the state to kill it, or letting it be born in this horrible intolerant swampy place where they will force me to declare its sex and gender at birth instead of waiting until it decides for itself, or decides what its gender and sexual preferences are in secret collaboration with its second grade teacher – y’know – the way nature intended”.
According to Gallup, 61% of cisgender women want abortion to be legal and available. While 100% of transgender women want to retain access to abortion services that 100 % of them will never need (because they can’t get pregnant- because -spoiler alert- they are men).
Meanwhile, of the legally registered voters in Philadelphia and Detroit city precincts (whose votes get counted in secret, in the dead of night), 578% want abortion to be legal, free and on demand straight through the third trimester and up until the third grade.
According to Anita Brain chairperson of the Florida Republican committee, “It has been increasingly obvious that the Democrats are extremists leading us to disaster! Bankrupting the country with spending, destroying the cities with lawlessness, “Trans-ing” the kids, recklessly diving headlong into World War 3!! There was a growing number of people who were coming to see us as the sane alternative on a mission to save the country from leftists bent on destruction. But no – that’s not who we are. In a last ditch effort to snatch defeat from the jaws of what was sure to be upcoming electoral victory, we decided to go against the pro-choice wishes of the majority of the American people, and over 30% of the members of our own party – taking advantage of our god given right to bear arms and shoot ourselves in the foot by banning abortion.”
One lone, lonely and inconsolable pro-choice Republican lawmaker was left clutching his head in his hands with tears streaming down his face as he screamed. “Why ! Why!! Why ??!! ” Picking himself off the floor he shook his fist in the air of the empty chamber and made a solemn vow.
“As soon as we get back in session, I’m going to propose a bill that will strengthen the penalties for committing bestiality in an attempt to get my fellow Republicans to stop “screwing the pooch” every chance they get!”
