Satire City, MO – After learning their top three choices for celebrity endorsements – Jeffrey Dahmer, Jeffrey Epstein and Charles Manson had all died in prison- executives at Butt Lite finally inked a partnership deal with the devil himself.
At a joint – drunken gay rave party/press conference announcing the new venture, the Vice President in charge of Diversity, Deviancy, Inclusion and Stock Price Crashing – Mr. Gaylord Bender (dressed in leather chaps, pumps and a construction hat), came up on stage and said, “I want to transition the company from the dark ages of frat house toxic masculinity to the rainbow-colored new age of femininity through alcoholic intoxication followed by chemical and surgical castration!”
When the cheers died down, he took questions from reporters.
“Mr. Bender are you trying to ‘trans’ little kids?”
“Yes. Hell yes ! I am trying to transition the kids from being milk drinkers to being Butt lite drinkers. If somewhere along the way, they want to wear their sister’s panties and grandma’s pearls – why should I care, as long as their drinking my beer!”
“Mr. Bender why are you partnering with the devil?
“We are in the business of partnering with influencers. The devil has been the ultimate influencer for thousands of years. Speaking of the devil… he holds on to his construction hat as an evil howling wind blows through the club and the devil appears in a burst of flames.
The devil unfurls his cape and shouts, “Sorry I’m late. A jam-packed whorehouse party bus from Las Vegas went over a little cliff called the Grand Canyon. Let’s just say I had a lot of new arrivals to process.”
“Mr. Satan. How about drinking some Butt lite for the cameras?”
“Drink it?! No way! It tastes like mule piss! I’m just stockpiling cases of it in hell in anticipation of the arrival of Dick Cheney so we can waterboard the terrorists with it…. Ha! Just kidding ! We’re gonna waterboard everyone with it!
“Mr. Bender, how much are you paying the devil for this endorsement?”
“I believe it’s around 200 souls.”
“You sold your soul to the devil for his endorsement?”
“Me? Hell no. I’m a greedy soul-less bastard.” He said as laughed, put his arm around and hugged the visibly uncomfortable devil.
“I sold the souls of our corporate interns and regional distributors. It’s not my fault that they don’t read the fine print on their employment contracts.” He said as he laughed and pressed a jack hammer into the devil’s buttocks.
“Whoa, whoa!! Stop it right there Nancy! I may be the devil, but I’m not into that gay stuff. Got it? Comprende?!”
Gaylord puts his hands on his hips and asks, “Excuse me?”
“Let’s try a different language -No hablo homo.”
“Seriously? The devil is homophobic? How disappointing… How about the rest of the coalition. How do you feel about lesbians?”
“Lesbians? I LOVE lesbians ! As a matter of fact, we have a whole movie production studio dedicated to them. It’s the only place in hell that has comfortable beds, clean sheets, private trailers, air conditioning and Craft services.”
“Well, that’s very progressive of you.”
“I don’t do it to be progressive” he said while rolling his eyes, “I do it because I HAVE to – it’s in their union contract…”
“I see, and how do you feel about trans people?”
“Transylvanian?”
“No, transgender.”
With a puzzled look on his face the devil asks, “What the hell are they?”
“Here watch this Tiiktok video of our last marketing business partner.” Gaylord said as he held an Ipad up for the devil to see. After 10 seconds, the visibly disgusted devil projectile vomited all over the screen.
Finding a seat and sipping on club soda to calm his stomach, the visibly shaken defeated devil said, “Oh My God! A full-grown man with pink hair in a ballerina dress taking estrogen and prancing around like a four-year-old girl. That’s gay on steroids! The devil spewed more vomit across the room before continuing. “In the centuries I’ve been ruling hell, I’ve seen piles of emaciated, rotting and maggot infested bodies, hunks of bleeding flesh that were supposedly gourmet meals prepared by Brooklyn Beckham, but I have never, NEVER seen anything – as disgusting – as that!”
Visibly offended Gaylord admonished the devil, “How can you be so mean, hateful, bigoted and intolerant?!!”
The devil regaining his strength lifted his cape into the breeze and bellowed, “Because I’m evil! I unleash supernatural disasters, diseases, wars, famines and pestilence that causes misery and death for millions of you mere mortal morons!”
Gaylord mutters, “Well you don’t have to be insulting about it…”
The devil continues, “Yes I do, because I’m evil ! You can’t spell devil without evil!! He thundered.
“Yes. Yes, I knew you were ‘evil’. But I had no idea you were homophobic and transphobic.” Gaylord clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes, “Sorry but that’s a dealbreaker.”
“You’re breaking your deal with the devil?” Fine ! I don’t want to do business with you freaks anyway! See you in hell!! Then before turning and disappearing into a puff of smoke the devil shouted,” I’ll have barrels full of steaming-hot REAL mule piss ready for you when you arrive!”
