Satire City, GA – In what some virologists have called an alarming cross-species jump from chickens to humans- it appears the management of Chik-Fool-A has fallen victim to an avian flu variant of the dreaded woke mind virus.
Pleading for forgiveness for previously running a highly popular and successful fast-food chain that delivered quality food in a safe environment at a fair price, the newly appointed Chik-Fool-A VP of Diversity, Inclusion and Equity (DIE), promised change in the name of social justice.
Chik-Fool-A said it will immediately cease the discriminatory practice of exclusively using white meat chicken for its sandwiches, tenders and nuggets. “When people of color have a meal they don’t want white meat! They want meat that looks like them!” He exclaimed as he raised a clenched fist in the air.
“Really? Never heard that before…”
“Why sure they do! And that is great for our bottom line because it will be much cheaper for us to make dark meat chicken nuggets, but we will charge our customers the same amount of money for it to prove that dark meat matters! To that end we will also prohibit the racist police from our restaurants and set a corporate goal to achieve equity with chains like Popp-High’s in the number of parking lot shootings.”
With this new push for DIE – Chik-Fool-A has been accused of pandering to People of Color, the VP got up from his chair, closed his office door, pulled down the window shade, looked both ways and whispered, “Well, we ARE selling fried chicken here…”
He cleared his throat and promptly pivoted to appease the next social justice mob. “BUT we also want to be inclusive to our people of rainbow colors! The LGBTQIA community!”
The new VP of DIE then apologized for only using chicken breast from female chickens and will now require farmers to make an effort to identify trans-hens (roosters who prefer quietly nesting to cock a doodling) so they can be given hormones to grow juicy breasts for which they can they be processed into delicious “trans-chicken” sandwiches.
“Does this trans-chicken taste the same as real chicken?”
His cool corporate composure disappeared as his face turned reddened with rage. “How dare you even ask such a question?! What do you mean ‘real’ chicken?!”
His veins popped and eyes bulged as he shouted, “Trans-chicken IS chicken!”
He then lowered his voice and muttered – “Well, yeah half the customers gag on it and spit it out”, before boiling into a rage again and yelling “but we don’t want bigoted transphobic customers in here anyway!”
“Besides”, he calmly continued, “it’s only a temporary solution. The long-term goal is to completely transition from serving boring cisgender, white meat chicken to eating the meat of the more flamboyant, colorful, proud peacock (or as the new generation of ornithologists prefer to call it) “Mother Nature’s OG Drag Queen.”
Of course, we will update the menu and the marketing to reflect this change. Instead of “Chicken Tenders” we will offer “Cock Harders”, and the “Chicken Wrap” kids’ meal will now be called the “Wrap your little mouth around this hot cockmeat”.
“Wow! You do know some people may find this obscene, offensive and accuse you of trying to gay and trans their kids.”
“Yeah well there’s no pleasing those Ultra-MAGA, far-right, religious Republican wackos!! If they think a nutritious hot meal of cockmeat is a bad thing for their children, then they are the ones with the dirty mind. Oh, by the way, we will also be changing to penis shaped straws to suck on – which, while still detrimental to the environment, will at least show solidarity with our LGBTQ community or at least the G community, half of the B’s and some of the Ts and Q’s.”
“Sounds confusing…”
“Yup, it’s a not-so-brave new world we live in! In the old days businesspeople were all about minding their Ps and Qs, crossing their Ts and dotting their i’s. Now we’re obsessed with not offending the LGTBQI and As.”
He settled into his seat, took a long drag from his medical marijuana cigarette laced with PCP and shared his dream for the future.
“We want each one of our franchises to be like walking into a little San Francisco. A place where all are equally welcome regardless of their ability to pay, bathe regularly, comply with their psychiatric medication regimen or conduct themselves in a civil fashion. Where all are equally celebrated, and all are equally victimized.”
