Satire City, CA – Taking advantage of the suspension of the statute of limitation for sex crimes in California; a distraught , mentally unstable, yet opportunistic unnamed female who claims to be a direct descendent of the Biblical Eve is suing a wealthy unnamed male (identified as a ‘deep pocketed, cis-gender, racially privileged, direct descendant of the sex pest, Biblical Adam’) for the sexual assault of the then teenaged Eve.
According to the great (times 87), great granddaughter of the victim, “It wasn’t Eve eating the apple, it was Adam grooming her and then and forcing himself on Eve – THAT is the original sin that all pig men are born with!”
Though there is no remaining physical evidence or eyewitness accounts of the alleged attack – the victim’s descendant states that the mere “undisputed fact that the world’s first – and at the time, only woman, Eve became pregnant and that any of us are here at all is enough damning evidence necessary to prove that a sex crime occurred.”
The plaintiff goes on to explain, “There is NO way Eve consented to have sex with Adam. By all accounts he was an unshaven, unshowered , disgustingly hairy, knuckle-dragging Neanderthal !” She would not have had sex with him even if he WAS the only upright walking man on earth!
Breaking into tears and on the verge of hyperventilating, the female descendant known to the court only as “Jane wants Dough” described the prehistoric attack in great detail, “first the father of all perverts – Adam, made her play with his ‘snake’, then he – pardon the crude language, literally boned her by sticking his rib into her. He sodomized her even though it would be thousands of years before the word or even the city of Sodom existed!!”
Upon hearing this emotional testimony from the deranged, woman who nevertheless MUST be believed, some of the California jurors wept softly, while the others were loudly sobbing…
The prosecution went on to argue that what’s worse – the repeated sexual assaults resulted in multiple pregnancies and Eve was denied her “god given, constitutional right” to an abortion. (Though on the bright side, her first son Cain did eventually provide a retroactive abortion on her second son Abel.)
The Defendant’s attorneys admittedly have no proof that the crime didn’t occur (claiming Noah was so busy gathering animals that any exculpatory documents were lost during the great flood) but prosecutors countered that any such documents surely would have been carved in stone and would have survived the flood if they had existed.
The defendant then tried to dodge responsibility for the heinous crime by arguing that California has no jurisdiction as the crime occurred in the Garden of Eden at least 5,000 years ago.
The judge (a former asexual, non-binary person of size turned gay drag queen of size) the Honorable Ho Lotta Justice, allowed the case to proceed stating, “There is NO statute of limitations – No one is above the law-not even the living relatives of the ancient dead.”
The judge also brushed off concerns that the crime occurred outside their jurisdiction as California State College Geography “experts” were happy to testify that while no one knows exactly where the Garden of Eden was located – they were pretty sure it was somewhere between present-day South-Central LA and Encino.
The shackled and muzzled defendant known to the court only as “John has Dough” protested, “Why me?! Why are you suing me for this alleged ancient sexual assault? I’m not a Supreme Court justice nominee, elderly comedic actor, sleazy Hollywood producer, former heavy weight champion, or ex-President ! ”
The Plaintiff rose from her chair glared at the defiant, clearly unrepentant man and told him, “Every man on earth benefited from this forced reproductive act, but YOU !” Crying and pointing her finger at him, “YOU with your big oceanfront mansion in Malibu , your yacht, your chauffeur driven limousine and your private jet, YOU benefited the most!”
Before the jury had even deliberated the judge sprang up from her chair (like an overstuffed kangaroo) and shouted, “GUILTY !!” as she threw her red feathered boa over her shoulder and banged her stiletto heel on the desk.
As the reporters and jurors were led out of the room the judge imposed the following sentence while seductively sucking the nuts off a candy bar, “You have been found guilty of Adam’s sexual assault against Eve and are hereby ordered to pay the plaintiff damages in the amount of $1 with 5,000 years of interest at 5% for a sum of 587 quadrillion dollars, 987 zillion, 842 trillion, 267 billion, 943 million 765 thousand, 387 dollars and 42 cents.”
“Furthermore-you, and any sons, grandsons, or great grandsons you may ever have in perpetuity are ordered to register as sex offenders until the end of time unless or until you or they seek rehabilitative, gender affirming care and undergo physical castration.”
