Satire City, ON – No longer happy to reminisce about their glory days in 1812 when they burned down the White House (along with much of Washington DC) our northern neighbors – the pyromaniac Canadians are at it again.
According to the Canadian Minister of Forestry, Diversity, Inclusion and Equity- Pierre Flambé, thousands of swishy Gay guys all over Canada have become SO excited about Pride month that they have flamboyantly and spontaneously burst into flames.
At a press conference he shouted in half French – half English, fully hysterical fashion, “Sacre Bleu! Oui! It’s unprecedented !! Hundreds of horny homosexual men are bursting into flames!”
Religious leaders are calling it a clear sign of God’s wrath and retribution while gay community leaders say the cause is more mundane – a national abundance of Pride fueled gay sex and a national shortage of lube.
“Are the trees gay too? Why are they on fire?”
“Je crois que non – No, it’s just that some of the gays who have spontaneously combusted are also environmentalists who inadvertently set fire to the trees they were hugging or the logs they were bent over.”
Now plumes of hazardous, smoke from hundreds of Canadian wildfires have maliciously and illegally crossed the border into US airspace and have engulfed cities such as New York, Philadelphia and Washington DC where it was ALREADY life threatening enough to walk outside.
The Press conference then took a turn as Prime Minister Justin Trudeau flung open the door, entered the room tugging on his collar and asked. “Is it hot in here? Or is it just me?”
Before anyone had a chance to answer he pulled off his jacket, tossed it across the room, strutted around his desk in tight cut-off jeans and exclaimed, “As usual – It’s just me! ! I’m HOT !! He then licked his palm, loudly slapped it on his butt and made a sizzle sound.
The Prime Minister went on to say, “Ladies and Gentleman and ladies who identify as gentleman, gentleman who identify as ladies, those who don’t identify as either, or as both, or as a hypersexual Saint Bernard – I have an important announcement to make.”
“Is it about the fires that are burning thousands of acres of trees and spewing millions of metric tons of carbon into the atmosphere?”
“No, no it isn’t.” He then clasped his hands, hung his head and spoke in a pained unsteady voice.
“My friends, I need to make a confession. I’m tired of living a lie.”
“You mean the lie that you’re a friend of the environment and warrior against global warming while your irresponsible forestry policies are catastrophically polluting an entire continent and spewing tons of greenhouse gases into the air…”
“No, I’m not tired of living THAT lie…” He said as flames lapped at the outside of the window he was standing next to. He then looked down as tears welled up in his eyes. It was hard to tell if he was choking up with emotion or just choking on the smoke. Finally, he exclaimed, I am tired of being a beautiful man – I have decided to become a beautiful woman!”
The room erupted in cheers of support for his decision and admiration of her bravery.
Just then the building’s fire suppression sprinklers went off showering the room with water and causing his mascara to run.
When again asked about the fires, Canadian PM Justin Trudeau batted his long eyelashes over his dreamy blue eyes. “Enough about the fires! I’m having a REAL crisis here.” He pulled out two cocktail length dresses, “Which dress should I wear to the Non-Binary Ball tonight? Red or Blue?”
“Mr. Prime Minister – the fires!”
“Please, call me Justine.”
When shown a picture of the newly unveiled Justine Trudeau, President Joe Biden couldn’t tell if it was one of the foreign heads of state Hunter was taking money from, or one of the Crack Hos Hunter has been having sex with.
Former President (and Future President or Federal Prisoner)Trump, upon learning that Trudeau now identifies as a beautiful woman said that as retaliation for the choking smoke blanketing US cities, if “Justine” was willing to meet him in a Department store changing room, he’ll “give her something to choke on.”
