Satire City, People’s Republic of New York – According to Attorney General Letitia James, “New York State is vigorously persecuting, I mean prosecuting former President Donald Trump to way beyond the fullest extent of the law for knowingly and consistently overstating the net worth of his properties for the purpose of getting lower interest rates, cheaper insurance and younger, better looking porn stars to have sex with him.”
The reason for the high-profile trial according to New York Attorney General Letitia James is to show that “no one is above the law.”
If they were able to understand English, that statement that “no one is above the law” would come as a shock to the tens of thousands of illegal immigrants in New York City who, despite entering the country illegally, have been guaranteed sanctuary from the law and provided free food and lodging in New York’s formerly finest hotels courtesy of New York’s taxpayers.
The statement “no one is above the law”, also momentarily sent a chill down the back of another prominent New Yorker – Hilary Clinton, who momentarily stopped hammering her bit-bleached private internet server filled with “Top Secret” state department e mails mixed with an assortment of pictures of Anthony Weiner’s wiener.
That “no one is above the law” also came as a surprise to hundreds of foreign diplomats based at the United Nations in New York City. Said one foreign aid pocketing, third world diplomat while snorting a line of cocaine off of the taut belly of a human trafficked teenage sex worker in the backseat of his double-parked limousine on First Avenue, “Yeah, right.”
According to International legal expert, Bo Gus, “The reason you can’t prosecute diplomats is that no country would send their representatives to a repressive totalitarian regime where they could be charged with a phony baloney crime like Britney Griner having a vape cigarette in Russia, Otto Warmbier ripping down a poster in North Korea or Donald Trump inflating the price of his real estate assets in New York.
As it would appear from the skyrocketing rates of robbery, rape and murder – the “no one is above the law” rule only seems to apply to Trump.
Since prosecuting a former president in a civil trial where no crime and no victims are even alleged is an obvious politically motivated witch hunt, Trump’s lawyers want the prosecution to at least be honest about what it is doing and move the trial to Salem, Massachusetts.
Attorney General Letitia James says she has nothing to hide and gladly took the following questions from reporters.
“Ms. James, do you have any personal animus against the former president?”
“What?”
“Sorry for the big words, Ms. James, do you hate Trump?”
“Oh! No, no… I mean, just his guts…”
“Wait, what’s that you’re holding?”
“It’s nothing.”
“It’s a voodoo doll ! You have a Trump voodoo doll?!”
“I have several ! And every minute of every day I repeatedly and vigorously stick them with pins and extra-long knitting needles. I’ve decapitated one of them, and I’ve castrated all of them.“
“Ms. James, your campaign platform was to “get Trump”. You already decided he was guilty and just had to go out and find a crime to charge him with.”
“Uh-huh. So what’s your question?”
“Ms. James, can you see how decent, fair-minded people could think that this trial might be unfair?
“I have no idea and no interest in how decent, fair-minded people think.”
Most New Yorkers are solidly behind their Attorney General. Said lifelong New York City resident and left-wing activist, Che Castro Marx, “It’s wonderful! I love living in a state that uses its power to arbitrarily prosecute white, white-collar businesspeople it doesn’t like while ignoring crimes perpetrated in the streets by the historically marginalized and disadvantaged. It’s the best of both worlds! The ruthless, oppressive police state tactics of East Germany combined with the crushing ignorance, poverty, and lawlessness of the third world.” She wiped a tear from her eye and raised a fist in the air, “Viva New York !”
Despite the obvious lack of merit in this case, one of Trump’s lawyers admitted to being very nervous about the outcome. “No matter where he’s being tried, if being a loudmouth braggart is a prosecutable offense, he’s gonna fry in the electric chair!”
