Satire City, DC – As if the President didn’t have enough trouble from his two-legged son, a Freedom of Information Act request uncovered the fact that President and Dr. Jill Biden’s dog ‘Commander’ has viciously bitten 10 people in the last 4 months. A track record that Vice President Harris is touting as “mostly peaceful”.
In a press conference, President Biden happily defended his bloodthirsty pooch explaining that Commander – although assigned at birth as a German Shepard – the breed most famous for being the canine terror tool of Nazi enforcement – has renounced his racist past and currently identifies as a “non binary, rabid pit-bull”.
The President standing next to the muzzled, chained growling beast with blood dripping out of its mouth added, “ He’s a good boy! I love him and I’m proud of him!”
“But Mr. President he bit several of your secret service agents.”
“C’mon man! If they didn’t want Commander to bite them they wouldn’t be walking around the White House with big, juicy delicious meat covered bones in their arms.”
“Mr. President, they weren’t carrying meat covered bones in their arms, those meat covered bones were their arms!”
For offenses that any other dog would have been taken for a long walk on a short leash to the doggie electric chair, the DOJ allowed Commander to plead his first-degree felony offenses of limb dismemberment and attempted murder into misdemeanor charges of inappropriate growling and failing to wag his tail in a friendly fashion while greeting the secret service.
According to Attorney General Merrick Garland, for these crimes, Commander has already been severely punished.
“He was already punished?”
“That’s right.”
“How was he punished?”
“I already told you, severely.”
“How?”
“We took away his favorite chew toy.”
“What was that?”
“Mike.”
“Mike?”
“Yes, Mike, one of the secret service agents – we uh, took him away…to the hospital…kinda needed to, I mean, he lost a lot of blood…”
When asked if Biden’s dog escaped justice through a corrupt sweetheart deal with the DOJ, White House Press Secretary Billie Jean Van Dam Rainbow said that anyone who has a “Beef” with Commander needs to take it up directly with Commander after swimming through a vat of Worcestershire Sauce.
Meanwhile, Biden’s DOJ announced five federal investigations into alleged misdeeds committed by Jared and Ivanka Trump’s dog “Winter” the blue-eyed, Snowy White (Supremacist) Pomeranian/Husky.
Allegedly, on January 6, 2021, Winter lifted his leg to pee and overshot the corner of his wee-wee pad with his stream of urine hitting a nearby rainbow flag. While the investigation is ongoing, a DOJ leak on this leak cites a growing yellow puddle of evidence will reportedly be enough to convict the ULTRA MAGA, far-right wing pooch on federal hate crimes, treason and insurrection charges as well as local sanitation violations.
After obtaining search and arrest warrants, a SWAT team descended on the Kushner/Trump residence in the dead of night to take Winter into custody, pulling the pooch out of the arms of Ivanka’s 12-year-old daughter at gunpoint, Elian Gonzalez style.
Attorney General Merrick Garland said that Winter Trump is looking at doing some serious time, “Minimum sentence will be 42 dog years.”
