Satire City, CA – A palpable panic is rippling outward from Hollywood and across the nation as people who hear of the writers and actors strike momentarily put down their smartphones to worry about how they will waste their time on mind numbing entertainment before picking their phones back up and continuing to endlessly scroll through Tik-Tok videos.
From an industry that hasn’t made a “new” movie in 40 years, striking writers and actors warn there will be no “new” movies coming out of Hollywood until their demands are met. Production stopped on the remake of ‘Snow White’ and sequels – ‘Beetlejuice 2’, ‘Gladiator 2’, ‘Mortal Kombat 2’, ‘Deadpool 3’, ‘Kung Fu Panda 4’, Mission impossible 58, and Star Trek 742 -The Search for an Original idea.
Hollywood A list actors have been rushing to the the picket line being chauffeured from their Malibu Beach homes and Beverly Hills mansions, or flying back on carbon spewing private jets from their climate change speaking engagements – to demand fair compensation!
Famous A Lister Reotardo DiCrapio and his 12 year old twin girlfriends – “It’s OK,” he insists to the ‘me too’ crowd while taking advantage of the pronoun confusion, “They are 24”, interrupted their yacht vacation in Ibiza to fly back to LA on a private jet to join the picket line. After hiring his publicist to photograph and videotape him for an hour , he came to the realization that no one was paying him to act like he cared about the lesser known, lesser paid, lesser talented, inferior in every way, fellow actors. He then ordered his bodyguards into a downtown Starbucks to step over homeless drug addicts and get him a mucho, mocha, cafe, grande, al dente cappuccino to go. His entourage then took off in their limo through a McDonalds drive through to get Happy meals and Grimace shakes for his dates before jetting off to Monaco.
Remaining on the picket line is Lou Zerr who played the lead role on a sitcom pilot back in 1998.
“It was a 1990s comedy so of course it was this horrible combination of racism, homophobia, fat shaming and pedophilia. It was called My Big Fat Effeminate, Mexican Clown Roommate. Unfortunately, it never got picked up by the networks but it did get me my SAG card. Since then I’ve done some occasional bit parts but mostly I’ve just been acting like I’m not hungry.”
Indeed most actors on the picket line looked alarmingly skinny and bony but I was assured this was not because they are starving but rather because half of them are reformed fatties on Ozempic and the other half are trendy anorexic vegans.
Hollywood agent Mr. Grady Leech in a show of support, rolled down the window of his Escalade limousine to throw airline packets of pretzels and peanuts to the crowd.
“Mr. Leech..,”
“It’s pronounced Letch.”
“Uh, OK, that works too…Mr. Letch, one of your union actors just got paid 5 million dollars to portray a nuclear physicist in a 3 hour movie while the actual nuclear physicist he portrayed who actually created the atomic bomb was only paid $10,000 per year!”
Mr. Letch took the fat stogie out of his mouth, snuffed it out on Lou Zerr’s arm and muttered, “That physicist had a SHITTY agent !!”
Only a few weeks after the strike began – many actors in an “act” of desperation have had to scramble for real jobs that (even if marginally), benefit society. Waiting tables, becoming day laborers, shining shoes for the A-listers…
As actors are absorbed into the real workforce and become (even if marginally) productive members of society, LAPD is reporting a dramatic drop of drug overdoses and sexual assaults.
According to LA County mayor, Mayor McSleeze, “Southern California hasn’t suffered the consequences of such a devastating work stoppage since the city’s trash collectors went on strike. In this case however it’s not as bad since it’s not the people who take the garbage going on strike, it’s the people who make the garbage.”
With no end to the strike in sight, the union is digging in its high heels and demanding residual payments from streaming companies so the actors can get paid for each and every time their work is displayed on a TV, tablet or smartphone anywhere in the world. According to actor union spokesperson, Mr. Kyle Molesta, “All we are asking for is an honest year’s pay for an honest day’s work.”
While the supply of woke messaging and gender bending movies and TV shows is interrupted, industry leaders are reassuring America’s youth that during this strike they can continue being groomed on social media and by checking out the assortment of gay porn in their school libraries.
