Satire City, ON –Earlier this year, President Trump stated that he wants Canada to become the 51st state. (Spoiler alert- he actually wants Greenland but didn’t want to hurt Canada’s feelings, so he said he wanted them too.)
Instead of swooning into his arms and being flattered, the touchy, humorless Canadians got their woolen panties up in a bunch – as if he (or we) really wanted them.
When asked if Canada should be the 51st state, 52% of Americans responded, “Isn’t it a state already?” Thankfully, no. If Canada were a US state, in terms of wealth, (per capita GDP), it would embarrassingly rank 50 out of 51. Their state motto could be “Yeah, West Virginia is WAY ahead of us, but at least we’re doing slightly better than Mississippi!”
Hit with tariffs, Justin Trudeau fought back by having a hissy fit, crying and ultimately resigning. After threatening to raise retaliatory tariffs on imported American goods, (then backing down) , threatening to cut off electricity to New York State, (then backing down), the new leadership of Canada has done the unthinkable, it has completely cut the United States off from its #1 export – Internet Porn.
According to the new Prime Minister of Canada, Mark ‘Carnal’ Carney. “We may not have much of a military, but with websites like Pornhub, we are the world’s undisputed Superpower of Porn! Every year our internet porn sites get up to 42 billion visits!! That’s more porn output than the US, Russia, China and European Union combined !! We have the largest inventory of specialized porn in the world. MILF, DILF, stepmom, gay, mature, cuckhold, kink, bondage… say goodbye to all of it! I’m cutting the internet connection to the US!”
And with a single swift yank of the plug, millions of US computer screens went dark, and thousands of Yankees simultaneously stopped yanking.
While Trump and the MAGA crowd are taking the porn embargo in stride, Democrats are up in arms!
According to Senate Minority Leader Shmuck Chumer, “Who do they think they’re hurting with this porn embargo? Republicans? Trump is married to a supermodel! They’re hurting US! Their fellow Trump hating Progressives!”
Bill Clinton who reportedly spends 75% of his waking hours on internet porn sites said, “If I were still president, I’d nuke Canada for this!”
So upset by their formerly friendly neighbors, a special session of the state legislature of New Hampshire has voted to change their state motto to “Give me Porn or give me Death!”
The US Congress has also unanimously voted to change the Canadian national anthem played at US sporting events from O Canada, to F Canada!
Internationally, in a surprise diplomatic move, Israel has introduced a UN resolution to condemn Canada. According to the Israeli ambassador to the UN, “Yeah, we cut electricity and water into Gaza, but even we didn’t cut off their porn – that would be inhumane.”
