Satire City, DC – In what the media is describing as the most disastrous war time blunder EVER committed, surpassing the decisions to allow a wooden horse into Troy, clear the Indians out of Little Big Horn or chaotically withdraw from Afghanistan – last week, a reporter revealed he was accidentally included in a high level government chat group planning a military operation against the Houthis.
In a press conference, President Trump told reporters to emulate their hero Jeffrey Toobin and, “Get a grip!” He continued, “Look, this was not D-Day. This was the military equivalent of swatting a fly.”
According to National Security Adviser Mike Waltz, “This signal chat SNAFU was no big deal. I mean, it’s not the end of the world. I mean like last month, I accidently shared the nuclear launch codes with some dentist in Spokane, now THAT could have been the end of the world but hey – no harm, no foul!”
As more proof that this is the most transparent administration EVER, The Trump administration has announced that from now on, it is allowing ANY taxpaying American citizen to ‘opt in’ to future top secret pentagon Signal chats.
After proudly announcing the new program, Advanced Notification ALerts When America Responds to Threats. (ANALWARTS), Marco Rubio said, “Why should I, as the Secretary of State, have more exclusive real time access to sensitive military operations than the Secretary of the local Elementary school? It doesn’t make any sense, it’s just not fair.”
According to Pete Hegseth, Secretary of Defense, “Everyone should have ANALWARTS, we have nothing to hide from the American people.”
“What about our enemies?”
“Enemies?!!”
Upon hearing the trigger word, Secretary Hegseth ripped off his shirt, jumped onto a desk, assumed the position of a crouching tiger, started to twitch and yelled, “What about our enemies?! We have nothing to hide from our enemies! It’s no secret – we’re coming to get them!!”
He then downed an energy drink and crumple- crushed a non-alcoholic beer can against his head. “It’s not like they can do anything about it anyway!”
Calming down, he went on to explain, “Although not mandated by the Geneva convention, we just feel that letting our enemies know exactly where, exactly when and exactly how we are going to kill them is the decent thing to do. We’re just giving them a chance to get their affairs in order, receive last rites, put their head between their knees and kiss their primitive, hairy asses goodbye!”
