USC Cancels Graduation After it Couldn’t Find a Speaker Who Didn’t Want to Kill the Jews

Satire City, CA – The University of Spoiled Children (USC) finds itself in a moral morass of its own making.  

After University officials discovered their DEI chosen valedictorian was reportedly an avowed anti-Zionist (which reportedly is NOT anti-semitic as an anti-Zionist simply reportedly believes that Jews should NOT be able to live in a Jewish homeland where they could at-least try to protect themselves from another genocide), they knew they had to do something to protect their stream of donations from certain extreme right wing wacko Jewish alumnae who would not be OK with walking into gas chambers and ovens. 

Instead of choosing another valedictorian (like maybe the person in the graduating class who actually had the highest GPA), the University chose the principled position of censuring their chosen valedictorian by canceling their speech. 

This led to a backlash from other students and faculty who evidently have found a sudden, genuine appreciation for free speech after spending years trying to cancel conservatives from speaking on campus.  

At this unexpected surge of support for free speech on campus, the University responded by canceling all other scheduled speakers lest they commit the crime of speaking up for free speech. 

“The university said it was ‘redesigning’ the ceremony to make sure the focus remains on the graduates” – rather than the speakers. 

The new plan was to simply announce the graduate’s names and hand them their diplomas, but the university was forced to scrap even that plan as members of the graduating class starting legally changing their names to: 

Aldi Jewsmusdie

Kill DaJews

Burn M. N. Auschwitz

D. Stroy Israel

Joe Mommasajewbitch

Graduation ceremonies at other universities and colleges will proceed as scheduled after College Presidents (not at all concerned about a second holocaust but deeply concerned about losing financial support from Jewish alumnae), have discreetly disseminated a coded message to all their valedictorians and speakers.

“Ixnay on illingkay the ewsjay.”