Satire City, MA – Recently, Harvard President Claudine Gay went from the frying pan of a hostile Congressional inquiry into the fire of media scrutiny and public condemnation.
In this exclusive fake interview, President Gay clarifies her statements to dispel any lingering misunderstandings.
“Dr. Gay unfortunately your qualifications have come into question since your appearance before Congress. So please state for the record, what qualified you to be Harvard’s President?”
“I’m a person of color.”
“Check.”
“I’m a woman.”
“Check. By the way doctor, can you define the word woman?”
“No. No, I can’t.”
“Any other qualifications?”
She chuckles, “Well my last name is literally Gay! That pretty much knocks it out of the park!”
“Doctor, impressive as your qualifications are, what do you say to people who say – you have never written a book, your few academic publications were heavily plagiarized, and you’re NOT qualified to be Harvard President?”
“I say I’m more of a doctor than Jill Biden and I’m more qualified to be Harvard President than Kamala Harris is to be Vice President of the United States.”
“OK well I guess no one can argue with that… Dr. Gay, have you ever read any books written by someone named Adolf Hitler?”
“Nein! I mean, no.”
“Doctor, the only reason I ask is because three solid pages of one of your academic papers match a passage from Hitler’s book ‘Mein Kampf’ word for word. How do you explain that?”
“Great minds think alike?”
“Doctor Gay, you are the first female person of color to be Harvard President.”
“Yes. I am also the last President of Harvard. Immediately after assuming office, I dissolved the Board of Trustees and made myself Fuhrer.”
“Guess that explains why you’re still in office…”
She smiled sweetly, “Yes, you can’t fire the Fuhrer.”
“Dr. Gay. Would you like to revise your answer to the following question. Does calling for the genocide of Jews violate Harvard’s rules?”
“No, it doesn’t. Harvard values our sacred first amendment right to free speech.”
“Dr. Gay, does calling a transgender woman a man violate Harvard’s rules?”
“Absolutely! That’s hate speech!”
“Dr. Gay, does calling global warming a hoax violate Harvard’s rules?”
“Absolutely! That’s spreading disinformation!”
“Dr. Gay. I’ll ask again, does calling for the genocide of Jews violate Harvard’s rules?”
“Well, I suppose it could, if the speech crosses into action, then… maybe.”
“Action? Like if they actually start killing Jews.”
“Yes.”
“So, if they actually start killing Jews on campus, would THAT violate Harvard’s policies?”
“Maybe.”
“Maybe?”
“It depends.”
“Depends on what?”
“If they leave the bodies lying around. Harvard has a zero-tolerance policy on littering. Littering Harvard yard with Jew bodies would absolutely, positively without a doubt be a particularly egregious violation of Harvard’s rules.”
“So, if they kill Jews without leaving a mess behind, would that violate Harvard policies?”
“It depends.”
“On what?”
“On how they dispose of the bodies.”
“What if they burn the bodies in a crematorium?”
“Absolutely not!! That would be a severe and punishable violation of Harvard’s zero carbon policy!!”
“What if they bury the bodies in a well maintained and landscaped mass grave that in no way impacts the native flora and fauna.”
“That sounds lovely…”
“So people can call for and actually commit genocide of Jews on campus…”
“Yes, if done in an environmentally friendly fashion.”
“That is outrageous! Dr. Gay, can students call for the genocide of any other kind of people?”
“Other kind of people? I don’t understand the question… I mean, why would anyone want to kill any other kind of people?”
“Ms. Gay, hypothetically, if a militant, unruly, threatening mob of students called for the genocide of, oh let’s say, purple people, would that violate Harvard’s rules?”
“That depends…”
“Depends on what?”
“These purple people, are they Jews?”
“Dr. Gay as the world’s most persecuted minority, do Jewish students fall under your DEI initiatives?
“No, they fall under a slightly different initiative – DIE.”
“And what does DIE stand for?”
“It’s not an acronym.”
e sad.
