Satire City, USA – “Mission Accomplished !! Our work here is done!”, exclaimed Sporks Illustrated Editor Homer D. Queer upon hearing the good news. “Like Polio and Smallpox, finally the scourge of heterosexuality has been eradicated!”
“In previous decades we published pictures of hot beautiful, young women in bikinis and body paint. The men loved it, but it was SO bad for society. Objectifying women, normalizing, and encouraging the toxic masculinity of heterosexual attraction and desire…”
He wiped tears of regret mixed with glitter from his face, “How many impressionable young men were seduced by the heterosexual propaganda of our graphic, gratifying sexual imagery. How many horny young men said to themselves ‘I’d do ANYTHING, ANYTHING to get with something like that! How many young men were thus motivated to get themselves in great physical shape and become financially secure so they could get into a hot, heterosexual relationship? How many young men then found themselves sucked down the rabbit hole of getting married to these hot women? Buying houses in the suburbs with white picket fences, getting jobs, paying taxes, having children and forming the foundation of Western civilization?”
“Thankfully a few years back we changed course to reverse the incalculable damage we did to these impressionable men, exploited women, children who should never have been born, and the disgustingly binary, sane, functional and productive society they created.”
Champagne bottles then began popping under Rainbow Pride flags lining the corporate halls as overweight, tattooed, pierced, hair-dyed, employees on various cocktails of mental health medications and gender bending hormones began twerking and getting creative with the empty champagne bottles and corks…
Elsewhere, the ‘celebrations’ of the end of heterosexuality were more muted.
Said one young man looking over the latest issue of Sporks Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, “I can’t stop vomiting!!”
Another formerly horny heterosexual man on the self-checkout line in Targay was asked, “You were attracted to women your whole life. So what changed?”
“Women. My perception of women has changed. After years of being subjected to images of fat, ugly, hairy, female Targay models wearing skimpy lingerie. I am now happily engaged in sexual relationships with men.”
“And what kind of men are you attracted to?”
“Trans-women.”
“But trans-women ARE women.”
“No, trans-women are what women USED to be. Feminine, shapely, slim, soft-spoken, pretty. The trans women care about looking good for men. They watch their weight; they are meticulous about their hair and makeup. If I’m on a date with a woman who is actually attractive, I assume she was born a man.”
