Satire City, MA – With the loss of federal funding and its full tuition paying foreign students, Harvard has, in the words of its favorite terror supporting Congresswoman ‘followed the Benjamins’ and is using an 800-billion-dollar grant from Qatar to ‘rebrand’. Harvard has finally dropped the pretense of being an institution of higher learning and has leaned into its new mission – terrorist training camp.
According to Harvard’s new pink haired Gen Z spokesperson – Jiz, who refuses to identify as either male or female, fish or foul, fauna or flora, “We will not allow Trump to take away our God given right to call for the extermination of the people who gave us God! So from now on, we will proudly be known as Jihad University!”
Mayor Michelle Wu welcomes the new terror camp to suburban Boston boasting, “This new state of the art facility is something our sister cities in Yemen, Syria, Iraq and Afghanistan could only dream about! Never again will we have to rely on foreign terrorists to bomb our marathons!”
According to the new glossy brochure they plan to mail out to all US high school seniors, first year students at Jihad University will take the required curriculum of:
Intro to Belief Conformity Enforcement – AKA – stoning.
Intro to Women as property – An owner’s manual.
Intro to Gay Martyrdom- How to fly off a rooftop and at least die like a man.
Intro to Jews – Why are any of them still breathing?
“We already purged all the old, white, Eurocentric literature and history courses and now we are purging all Jewish content from the curriculum.”
“How’s that going?”
“Well, we had to close the Physics, Chemistry, Biology and Drama departments and oh yeah, we of course had to close the med school…”
“Uh huh.”
“But that’s OK as it completes the transition of our educational focus from advancing western civilization to tearing it down.”
“I see…”
“Rather than teaching the Jewish Zionist tainted concepts of Relativity, Photoelectric effect, Energy/Mass conversion and Atomic structure, the former Physics and Chemistry departments will be repurposed to teach students how to construct roadside improvised explosive devices, shoe bombs and suicide vests.”
“Very nice…”
“Also, as part of mission to ‘globalize the intifada’, the humanities departments will now teach students how to be inhumane.”
“Inhumane?”
“Yes, all students must major in one of these Inhumanities.”
How to rape and kill young women at a music festival.
How to kill and burn babies in the comfort of their own crib.
How to kidnap old ladies.
How to beat, torture and starve your captives in underground tunnels.
“And in order to graduate with a degree in the Inhumanities – the successful candidate must kidnap and kill a baby, a toddler and their young mother then invite the world to a public, televised rally to joyously celebrate this great victory over their little coffins.”
“WOW! That is some PhD level inhumanity!”
“Actually, that’s just for an Associates Degree…”
“Where will you find faculty to teach these inhumanities?”
“We were hoping to find them in Gaza but unfortunately, being the war criminals they are, the Zionists keep killing our professors!”
