Satire City, USA – Most of the recent polls show Trump and Harris in a statistical dead heat. To understand the polls, we asked leading pollster I. B. Nosey to break down the polling process for us. “Mr. Nosey, last I heard, Americans were guaranteed the right to a secret ballot. Why on earth would anyone tell you who they are voting for?”
“Unbelievably, most people actually do tell us who they are voting for with response rates for in-person polls generally ranging from 60 to 80%.”
“Why would they do that?!”
“That is a good question – of those who responded we asked, ‘Why did you answer the poll? And these were the results…”
Because I think it will help my candidate – 2%
Because I’m flattered when anyone asks me what I think. – 4%
Because I’m so lonely, I will literally talk to anyone about anything – 12%.
Because I’m a complete idiot/dumbass/dimwit who (despite gaining no benefit) doesn’t mind telling a complete stranger who I am voting for and thus exposing myself to possible political coercion or violence…98%.
“What about the non-responders?”
“When asked , ‘Who are you voting for in the upcoming presidential election’, the people with brains (meaning those who refused to answer the question) did however have the following responses…”
None of your damn business! – 42%
Go f*ck yourself! – 39%
Joe Momma- 17%
“So, you’re telling me that in the best possible scenario fully 20% of your poll sample refuses to answer the question.”
“Yes.”
“How do you adjust for that?”
“First we keep trying their number until they either answer the question, block our number or file for a restraining order.”
“OK”
“Then we have a process called refusal conversion.”
“Refusal conversion? Are you serious?”
“Dead serious. We have specially trained pollsters, who coincidentally are all named either Vito or Paulie, call those who refuse to respond to the poll.”
“Uh huh”…
“They very politely but pointedly say something like- Mr. Smith, I see my esteemed colleagues have called you 587 times and you have still not voluntarily given up your legal right to ballot secrecy. Mr. Smith it is VERY important that you answer our intrusive questions. Y’see, not only do we have your name and phone number, we also have your home address, your business address, your kids’ names and their school addresses…”
Then Vito or Paulie loudly crack their knuckles or cock a gun and continue, “You have a nice home and a nice family… Mr. Smith, it would be a real shame if something were to happen to them….so…who ya voting for?”
“And if that doesn’t work?”
“Then we resort to a statistical technique called EMMM – the Electorate Mood Mapping Model also known as Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Moe.
“I see, and and how does that work?”
“Well, it’s all very complicated but basically we finish the last 20-40% of the survey by utilizing a combination of Magic 8 Balls, tea leaves, roulette wheels, dartboards and repeatedly flipping a coin.”
“Uh huh..”
“Yes and by using these methods, our latest poll shows Harris and Trump at 48% to 47%.”
“How did you get a 1 % spread when 20% didn’t even answer you!”
“Congratulations ! You figured out the secret of the polls – The only people stupider than the ones who answer the questions are the ones who believe the results.”
