Satire City, IA – It used to be (until last week) that the FBI’s most wanted list was composed of Mass Murderers, International Drug Dealers, Illegal Arms Dealers and Blood-thirsty Foreign Terrorists. But now, upon the orders of President Biden – in light of the new threat to democracy America faces from those who purport to “Make it Great Again”, the FBI has announced that…
Mabel Grabowsky – a 54 year old grandmother from Des Moines, Iowa, a former scout den mother and church organist who crochets comforters and makes her own jam, has made it to the top spot on the FBI’s most wanted list.
Speaking from her jail cell in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba – the easily apprehended Mabel describes how she first came to the attention of federal authorities.
“I won a blue ribbon at a baking contest at the Trumboldt County fair. Unfortunately, I baked an apple pie…they immediately assumed I was a MAGA extremist and domestic terrorist. After the County Commissar reported me to the federal authorities, things went downhill quickly from there.
The sky turned dark as 87,000 armed IRS agents descended in parachutes and audited everyone within a 50-mile radius. Then the FBI stormed my town. They used an armored vehicle to knock down my white picket fence and topple the proudly flapping American flag from its flagpole in my yard. Then they raided my home looking for classified documents.
After they found a discrepancy in my apple pie’s ingredients from the those listed in my Betty Focker Cookbook, the CIA waterboarded my entire family and eventually found out that I got the winning recipe from a lady in my church.
Then they raided the church and found out it ran a pro-life clinic so the US Central Command conducted a drone strike destroying the 150 year old – Holy Virgin Mother of the Redeemer Church which they called a “terrorist training camp”.”
Mabel buried her face in her hands in anguish, and let out a deep mournful sigh, shook her head and sobbed “ If only I had made the peach cobbler.”
Due to security concerns and space limitations, only the most dangerous irredeemable MAGA terrorists like Mabel are being held in Guantanamo.
The other 73.6 million formerly peaceful, patriotic, productive, loyal, taxpaying Americans who voted against democracy – are being held in what used to be the least populated state but is now the world’s most populated re-education camp, Wyoming.
Camp Wyoming is run by Commandant Liz Cheney whose job is to teach the inmates how to be “good” Republicans.
Her formerly blue eyes now blazing as red as the walls of Independence Hall she explained, “When the people refused to democratically elect me back to Congress, I knew Uncle Joe was right – these MAGA Republicans are a threat to democracy !!”
She paused to adjust her foot so that her leather jackboot was more squarely distributing her weight on the back of a hog-tied traitor.
“Back in the days when the citizens of Wyoming were free to vote, Wyoming was a treasonous snake pit ! But look at us now ! The 73.6 million inmates of Camp Wyoming are happy, healthy, eager to serve the state and they love their dear leader.” She wiped a tear from her eye. “We’re the envy of North Korea !”
