Satire City, IL – Historically, the Democrats have achieved sweeping electoral victories by relying on the votes of a wide swath of Americans from all races, all religions, and all socio-economic backgrounds. These people were collectively known as – the dead.
But with the evil racist Republicans passing discriminatory laws limiting voting rights to the living, the Democrats have increasingly reached out to their other core constituents, – unsurprisingly unemployed Sociology or Gender studies majors living under a mountain of student debt in their parents’ basements, felons from historically underprivileged communities, mentally ill genital mutilators and more recently, illegal aliens and the “Death to America” crowd.
Still somehow, they were having trouble cobbling together half of the American voting public. The Democrats were well on their way to political obscurity until the world’s smartest Appalachian accidentally tipped them off to their largest, most loyal voter bloc – single women who already are, or inevitably will become – lonely, miserable, childless cat ladies.
Never having met a group too useless or too pathetic to pander to, the Democrats got right to work.
Delegates to the DNC immediately started calling for free cat food, free cat toys and free healthcare for cats.
On the raucous floor of the convention center the crowd was wildly chanting, “What do we want? Free kitty litter! When do we want it? MEOW!!”
To make himself more appealing to the crowd, Bernie Sanders put on whiskers and wiped the ever-present drool from the corners of his mouth with the back of his hands.
And although back in 2013, the Democrats wildly criticized Marco Rubio for conspicuously drinking from a water bottle during his speech, no one batted an eye when Michelle Obama paused in the middle of her DNC speech to lap up a saucer of milk with her tongue.
The Democrats have also promised to provide free spaying and neutering – though in pandering to another voter bloc, they prefer to call it “transing” the cats.
Kamala (call me “Kat”) Harris also wasted no time promising to pass laws that ensure anyone who claims to be “allergic” to cats will be charged with a hate crime.
She is also promising Childless Cat lady tax credits and Federal anti-discrimination laws that will protect miserable, pathetic childless cat ladies – unless of course they are white, and their name is Karen.
