Satire City, AZ – This week, RFK Jr., with the shock announcement that he was quitting the race “while he was still ahead, or at least, still HAD a head” officially ended his campaign for President. According to one political insider, “It wasn’t just the Kennedy name that made him a compelling Presidential contender, he also brought to the table a long history of drug addiction, chronic brain-eating worm infestation and an unintelligible speaking voice… hmmm, ok, ok, maybe it WAS just the Kennedy name”.
With a proud history of family members making their initial fortune by illegally bootlegging during the depression, practically inventing the “pump and dump” stock scam, lobotomizing inconvenient family members, cheating on a certain First Lady with a certain Marilyn Monroe, drowning young women by driving their cars off of bridges, or crashing their planes into the ocean and suffering through numerous accidental deaths because quite frankly, they seem too reckless, too drunk, too drugged up or just too stupid to breathe – the Kennedy family has finally suffered the most unforgivable act ever committed by a family member. RFK Jr. has endorsed Donald Trump for President.
Kennedy family spokesperson Kyle Kevin Kennedy (KKK) held a press conference to express the family’s discontent.
“Kyle? Excuse me Kyle, but, uh, I never heard of you.”
“Yes well, like most Kennedy family members you never heard of, I’ve been locked up in a mental institution for the past 50 years.”
“Of course you have.”
“Let me say that we Kennedys have long embraced the criminals, lunatics, rapists and murderers in our family, but after RFK Jr. committed the ultimate, unspeakable offense and endorsed, you know who, for President, the entire Kennedy clan would like to publicly denounce and disown him.”
“Of course you do.”
“We have filed a federal lawsuit to petition the court to legally change his name from, Robert F. Kennedy Jr, to Robert F’en Benedict Arnold Backstabber!”
“Kyle, that seems pretty harsh…”
“We also hired a dentist to pull all those huge, pearly white Kennedy teeth out of his otherwise empty head!”
That statement also initially seemed harsh, but it has been confirmed by independent medical researchers that – to this day, there are more Kennedy brains in the backseat of JFK’s Lincoln Continental Convertible than there are in RFK Jr’s head.
For his part, Donald Trump said he was honored to have the endorsement of RFK Jr. as it allows him to get a lock on the ‘crazy vote’. Trump also said that that he shares the “Kennedy family values” of being a “shameless whoremonger who likes to bang multiple beautiful women”, although Trump did make this one distinction, “but unlike the Kennedys, I didn’t actually kill any of them.”
